IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some
supports
Correct subject-verb agreement
support
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
governments
Use synonyms
 tend to believe that the
governments
Use synonyms
 face
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
financial
Use synonyms
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 or land
Use synonyms
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 caused by
elderly
Add an article
the elderly
show examples
problem
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
 others seem to
arguer
Replace the word
argue
show examples
 that the elders bring more advantages for communities. To
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 large extent, I agree that an ageing population is a negative phenomenon.
However
Linking Words
, there are some factors to be taken into
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
consideration before making a decision about the population
problem
Use synonyms
 on your own. The following paragraphs outline the arguments for
this
Linking Words
 social issue. One of the main arguments
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
against
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
 trend is that it allows
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
governments
Use synonyms
shoulder
Fix the infinitive
to shoulder
show examples
 various financial
pressure
Fix the agreement mistake
pressures
show examples
. Since the elders may not have
ability
Add an article
the ability
show examples
for working
Change preposition
to work
show examples
 based on their physical health
Use synonyms
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
retired age
problem
Use synonyms
,
then
Linking Words
 the
governments
Use synonyms
 provide different
subsidy
Fix the agreement mistake
subsidies
show examples
 for them which
let
Wrong verb form
lets
show examples
 the
Use synonyms
governments’
Change noun form
government’s
show examples
 expenses increase.
For instance
Linking Words
, the
governments
Use synonyms
 improve and establish more beneficial facilities for older residents, which spend over 10 million annual
year
Change to a plural noun
years
show examples
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, they launch some projects for ageing citizens. In Hong Kong, the aged over 65
people
Use synonyms
 can enjoy the $2 scheme
Linking Words
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
is
Verb problem
means
show examples
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
any
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
fares
Fix the agreement mistake
fare
show examples
 of transportation
just
Add a missing verb
is just
show examples
 2 dollars. It raises the financial issue if the
governments
Use synonyms
 hold many schemes for them. In short, it is generally argued that an ageing
problem
Use synonyms
create
Change the verb form
creates
show examples
 some
Use synonyms
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 for the
governments
Use synonyms
 because of money.
However
Linking Words
, to a small extent, it may not be the
worse
Correct word choice
worst
show examples
 situation, depending on the
experience
Use synonyms
 in
workplace
Correct article usage
the workplace
show examples
 or family. In fact, elders have faced distinct challenges
either
Change preposition
in either
show examples
 working or
life
Change preposition
in life
show examples
 so that they can provide more valuable ideas and comments for
youngers
Correct your spelling
younger
show examples
. Before no recommendations from them, a majority of
teenager
Fix the agreement mistake
teenagers
show examples
 may make an error decision or use a complex path to solve problems.
During
Change preposition
With
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
advises
Replace the word
advice
show examples
 from them, the new generation
Use synonyms
people
Change preposition
of people
show examples
 can accept more effective and
efficiency
Replace the word
efficient
show examples
 solutions and
experience
Use synonyms
 from the traditional
people
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
handle
Add an article
the handle
a handle
show examples
 that. After the suggestions, the adolescents can complete the tasks easily and faster than before. In
this
Linking Words
 case, I appear to believe that the old generation
people
Use synonyms
 can contribute their better
experience
Use synonyms
 only if
people
Use synonyms
 are experienced.
While
Linking Words
 it seems to be true that
ageing
Correct article usage
the ageing
show examples
problem
Use synonyms
 will continue to be a popular issue on the
ground
Fix the agreement mistake
grounds
show examples
 that it is not that the financial stress, the seriousness of the elders’
experience
Use synonyms
 should not
overlook
Wrong verb form
be overlooked
show examples
. To fully maximize the potential of
this
Linking Words
 trend, all
governments
Use synonyms
 have to do is pay attention to the distribution of the expense in the future.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The introduction could be clearer, particularly about your stance. You mention the ageing population as a negative phenomenon but don't specify the problems until later. Consider directly stating your thesis more clearly in the introduction.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of your paragraphs can be improved to enhance clarity. Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that directly links back to your thesis.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples and relevant data. Some sentences feel vague or lack depth, which may weaken your argument.
coherence and cohesion
In your conclusion, consider summarizing your main points and reiterating your opinion more definitively. This will help reinforce your argument.
task achievement
The inclusion of real-world examples, like the $2 transportation scheme in Hong Kong, provides a concrete basis for your argument about financial issues.
task achievement
You explore contrasting perspectives, which shows an understanding of the complexity of the issue and adds depth to your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
What to do next:
Look at other essays: