IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays more and more older people who need employment have to compete with younger people for the same jobs. What problems does this cause? What are the solutions?

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The increasing price of basic needs for
people
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 to survive affects the
competition
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 between
job
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 seekers in work fields.
Although
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 many companies have opened wide
job
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 opportunities, elderly
people
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 should compete with the young to get a
job
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 in the same field.
This
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 situation gives a massive ramification for the older
due to
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 the strict
competition
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 of skills that the younger have.
Therefore
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, the government should require the corporations to change one of their requirements in order to solve the problem. 
To begin
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 with, most of the older
people
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 might struggle
in finding
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to find
show examples
 a
job
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 because
of
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apply
show examples
their skills
often
Add a missing verb
are often
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 being debunked by the younger. Many young jobseekers
comes
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come
show examples
 from excellent universities where they are trained to be professionals, making a strict
competition
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 with the older who is most likely not in a productive age anymore.
However
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, not only the young
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
need to survive
,
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apply
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 but
also
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 some of the
olders
Correct your spelling
older
 might be responsible
to
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for
show examples
 their families or fill their daily needs.
As a result
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,
this
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 situation might result in
the
Correct article usage
an
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increase
Change the verb form
increasing
show examples
 number of poverty in a place. One of the solutions is that governments should subsidize the companies and ask them to open a huge
job
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 opportunity. If employers considered the experiences that the old
people
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 have by broadening the chance for them to enter the
workfield
Correct your spelling
work field
 and deleting the age limitation requirement, it would not be difficult for older
jobseekers
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job seekers
show examples
 to get the
job
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.
Consequently
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, there will balance percentage of young and old
people
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 in the same field and everyone could earn money to fill their needs.  In conclusion, the government should help the older jobseekers to have fair
competition
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 with the young, subsidizing companies and asking them to open more
job
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 opportunities.

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task achievement
While your introduction provides a clear overview of the issue, it could benefit from a stronger thesis statement that outlines the problems and solutions to be addressed in the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Some paragraphs could benefit from clearer topic sentences or transitions to enhance the logical flow of your arguments. For example, introducing the challenges faced by older job seekers could be more explicitly linked to the proposed solutions.
task achievement
Expand on the examples provided in your arguments. For instance, elaborating on how government subsidies could impact older workers and the job market more broadly would strengthen your points.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to avoid minor inaccuracies, such as 'the olders' — it's more appropriate to say 'older individuals' or 'older workers' for better clarity.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay addresses the topic effectively and presents a clear structure with distinct paragraphs for each main point.
task achievement
You demonstrate a solid understanding of the issues surrounding employment competition between older and younger job seekers, which adds depth to your discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Intergenerational competition
  • Age discrimination
  • Adaptability
  • Hiring practices
  • Workforce diversity
  • Upskilling
  • Lifelong learning
  • Flexible working arrangements
  • Ageism
  • Technological proficiency
  • Productivity concerns
  • Diverse skillsets
  • Legislative protection
  • Employment equity
  • Biases
What to do next:
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