IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweight the disadvantages?

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At the present time, In some
countries
Add a comma
countries,
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 the number of young population is larger than the number of older
people
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.
However
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, not all the effects of
this
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 situation have been positive,
although
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 there are certainly some advantages.
This
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 essay will discuss the advantages and disadvantages of a young population. On the one hand, young
people
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 are more useful to both society and
Correct article usage
the
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economy. They are usually more energetic and agile than older
people
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. Young
people
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open
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are open
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 to learning new work skills and
also
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 offer new creative ideas. That's
whay
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why
what
 they are the main workforce in different industries,
such
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 as
technology
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the technology
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 and service sector.
The employers
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Employers
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 are increasingly giving preference to younger applicants. BBC news report shows that the majority of
workforce
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the workforce
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 in companies is made up of
people
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 aged 24-37. In spite of these positive aspects, there are
also
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 several drawbacks
of
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to
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this
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 situation. One major problem is the lack of experience of
Correct article usage
the youngs
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youngs
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young
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.
Although
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 young adults have more energy and responsibility, they
have
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do have
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 not
leadership
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the leadership
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 skills that older
people
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 have. So, they can face problems related to strategic and management matters. In these
cases
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cases,
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 they need advice from adults. Another negative aspect is that most young
people
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 are very lazy. They prefer to live under the care of their parents and do not aspire to a work environment.
To sum up
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,
while
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 there are some obvious drawbacks to young
people
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, they have brought society and economy many benefits at the same time. Having more young adults than older
people
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 can be beneficial for
developments
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development
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 in all fields.

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task achievement
While the introduction is clear, it could be more engaging by presenting a stronger thesis statement that outlines the main points you will discuss. Also, ensure to reflect both sides of the argument in your conclusion to reinforce your analysis.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs have a logical structure, but some transitions between ideas could be smoother. Try to use linking words or phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
You've provided some relevant points and examples, but adding more depth to your arguments and providing additional specific examples can strengthen your overall response. Consider elaborating on the advantages and disadvantages with more concrete evidence, such as statistics or studies.
task achievement
Your essay effectively identifies key advantages and disadvantages, which shows a clear understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The language used is generally appropriate, and you maintain a formal tone throughout the essay, which is suitable for the task.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic shift
  • workforce
  • economic growth
  • innovation
  • social evolution
  • curricula
  • health care costs
  • pension systems
  • mentorship
  • generational imbalance
  • unemployment
  • job markets
  • tax burden
  • adoption
  • development
What to do next:
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