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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

It is currently believed that children's behavior and misconduct is due to the lack of strict discipline and punishment applied by parents. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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Nowadays, it is considered that
children
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's misconduct and bad behaviour
as a result
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 of
they
Correct pronoun usage
their
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are
Wrong verb form
being
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 nurtured in an undisciplined environment and being punished by their
parents
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. I agree with
this
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 notion and will discuss relevant points in the upcoming paragraphs. To commence with the view of the agreement, there are a lot of drawbacks to punishing
children
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. If
parents
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 do not make strict rules for their
children
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then
Linking Words
 they are not taking anything seriously and after that
parents
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 decide to give
punishment
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.
As a result
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, it not only harms
children
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 physically but it
also
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 affects their brains and
children
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 will make a mistake again and again because they are not fear of getting a
punishment
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.
For example
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, a survey conducted by a British newspaper in 2020 in India found that 60% of
children
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 do not follow the discipline because their
parents
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 gave hard punishments to them for inappropriate reasons.
Furthermore
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, when
children
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 grow up with no rules and pass through different types of punishments in early childhood. They feel like nobody likes them and in revenge on everybody they commit a crime and harm other people.
For instance
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, a headline from the Jagbani Newspaper in Japan revealed that most of the crimes committed by the
children
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 were
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
punished by their
parents
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.
Hence
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,
parents
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 think giving the
punishment
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 to their
children
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 will make
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 ideal person but it makes a criminal. In conclusion, not only does giving a
punishment
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 affect
children
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 physically but
also
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 it has an adverse effect on
children
Use synonyms
's lives and they will commit a crime.

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Task Achievement
Consider providing a clearer stance in your introduction and directly responding to the prompt in your conclusion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to use more transitional phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
Task Achievement
Include specific examples that are directly related to your argument to strengthen your points further.
Task Achievement
Your essay presents a clear perspective on discipline and its impact on children's behavior.
Task Achievement
You've provided several examples to illustrate your points, which adds depth to your arguments.
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