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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that parents should teach their children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the best place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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It is argued that
parents
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 have to educate their
children
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how
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on how
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 to be an
influentail
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influential
 part
in
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of
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 their community.
In contrast
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, there are people who think that the best way to teach
this
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, is in the school.I believe that
parents
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 should take
this
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respnsibility
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responsibility
. Because they know their
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child
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child's
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 personality.
However
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, others may think that the school will be strict with
children
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, which is why they prefer it.
Generally
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Generally,
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 no one can understand and influence a
child
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 better than their
parents
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. Because, they live with them under the same roof, and have experienced different types of situations that let them be able to discover the
child
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's personality.
Also
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, they can observe their thinking patterns.
Therefore
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, they will be capable
to teach
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of teaching
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 them how they can be a supportive individual for their society based on how a
child
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perceive
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perceives
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this
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subject
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.
In addition
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,
children
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 naturally love their
parents
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, and love is a very powerful motivator to make them accept
this
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subject
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 effortlessly, and encourage them to do great things to the community.
For example
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, we see lots of
influncers
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influencers
influences
 who, when asked how they became the person they are, often mention their
parents
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 as a reason. Fear can be helpful when it comes to
the
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apply
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academic subjects, to make
children
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 take action and study hard. But,
this
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 is a social
subject
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,
Therefor
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Therefore
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,
this
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 type of initiative must come out of love and
acceptence
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acceptance
 rather than fear and obedience. Because fear impacts their
behavior
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behaviour
show examples
 temporarily, so in the long term they will quit.
For
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instance
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instance,
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 when a
child
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 is
afraied
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afraid
 of getting a low score in a specific
subject
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, they will focus on it until they pass, But after
that
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that,
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 they may lose interest. In conclusion,
parents
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 play a huge role in encouraging their
children
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 to act on
this
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 initiative.
This
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 is because
that
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apply
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they understand their
children
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's emotional state,
while
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 school may be too strict.
Thus
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,
Children
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 may feel scared, and eventually stop participating.

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coherence cohesion
Expand your introduction to clearly outline both viewpoints before stating your opinion. This helps the reader understand the context better.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence that links back to the main argument of the essay.
task achievement
Increase the range of examples and elaborate more on them to support your ideas.
task achievement
Clarify the phrase 'this type of initiative' in the context to avoid ambiguity.
task achievement
You have a clear opinion that you stated early in the essay, which helps guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
Your writing displays a good understanding of how personal experiences of parents can influence children positively.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • teach
  • parents
  • schools
  • responsibility
  • values
  • respect
  • empathy
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • citizenship
  • ethics
  • social responsibility
  • lead by example
  • role models
  • conducive environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • community involvement
  • collaborate
  • holistic approach
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