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Band 6.5

In some countries, parents want their children to focus on their studies only. Because of this, many young people do not get their first job until after college. In other countries, many children get their first part-time job while still in high school. Which approach do you think is better? Why?

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There is a debate over which method is better, with some saying children should concentrate only on
studies
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 in school
time
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 and
after
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this
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, they can get a job and others argue that children should study and
work
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 at the same
time
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.In my opinion,
while
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 working and studying can provide
students
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 with experience and
skills
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, focusing on
studies
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 is still the best as it does not distract
students
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. The best method is concentrating on
studies
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 only.There are many reasons why concentration on
studies
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 is much better.First of all, when
students
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 are focused, they can learn very well as it would be hard to distract them.
Secondly
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, after all, hardworking of
students
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 can lead to them easily getting permission to enter university.
As a result
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, when they study at university and get a diploma, they will have a stable job which is great for their future life.
Thus
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, for these reasons concentration on education could be highly beneficial.
In contrast
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,
while
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 there are many benefits sides of doing
studies
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 and
work
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 at one
time
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, the main advantage is they will have experience and
skills
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.To clarify, if they
work
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 in a team, it will teach them how to
work
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 in a group, they can learn how to be a leader.
As a result
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, they can easily solve problems,and improve their leadership
skills
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 and others.
Moreover
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, they can earn money for their needs and they do not need their parent's money.
For example
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, it is proved that 65% of
students
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 when they
work
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 and study at the same
time
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, improve their cognitive
skills
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as well as
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 get experience.
Therefore
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, for these reasons working and studying could be helpful.
To sum up
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,
although
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 there are several pros of working and studying at the same
time
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, personally I believe that only studying is more important as it allows to
students
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 easily enter university and get a good job.

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly develop and present your main ideas. Some arguments could benefit from further explanation or examples to strengthen your points.
coherence and cohesion
Enhance the logical flow of your essay by using clearer transitional phrases between ideas. This will help connect your points better and guide the reader.
task achievement
Try to include more specific examples or data to support your arguments. This will help make your essay more compelling and strengthen your points.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear opinion on the topic and have structured your essay with distinct paragraphs, which helps the reader follow your arguments.
task achievement
You discuss both sides of the debate, which shows a balanced understanding of the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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