IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that children should start learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

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Drink
Wrong verb form
Drinking
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 and
food
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 products with a high level of
sugar
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 might cause numerous effects on individuals'
health
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. Many
people
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 argue for setting high
prices
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 for those
foods
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 and
drinks
Use synonyms
 to reduce the amount of daily
sugar
Use synonyms
 consumption by
people
Use synonyms
. High
prices
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 foster various responses from consumers,
while
Linking Words
 some individuals believe it beneficial, others may oppose it. I strongly agree that
high
Correct article usage
the high
show examples
price
Use synonyms
 of
food
Use synonyms
 and beverages has a positive impact on
health
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. Setting high
prices
Use synonyms
 for
sugar
Use synonyms
-rich meals and
drinks
Use synonyms
 may lead consumers to opt for healthier and more cost-effective
food
Use synonyms
 choices. In general daily consumption of
food
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 and
drinks
Use synonyms
 loaded with
sugar
Use synonyms
 might cause obesity in
people
Use synonyms
's bodies.
As a result
Linking Words
, the majority of
people
Use synonyms
 tend to feel easily tired, unmotivated, and unproductive. So, lowering the
price
Use synonyms
 of healthy
food
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 will promote better
health
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 of
people
Use synonyms
, and
in
Linking Words
addition
Add a comma
addition,
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 consumers become used to consuming healthy
food
Use synonyms
, so even if the
price
Use synonyms
 rises, they continue to do so, as they already experienced its benefits and their
health
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, In Japan, they set lower
prices
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 for healthy
foods
Use synonyms
 and
drinks
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 high
prices
Use synonyms
 for unhealthy beverages.
Hence
Linking Words
, the majority of Japanese
people
Use synonyms
 have more healthy bodies compared to
people
Use synonyms
 in The United States who can easily purchase cheap
high
Add a hyphen
high-sugar
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sugar
Use synonyms
foods
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the worst effects of consuming
sugar
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-high products will cause diabetes, which leads to long-life pain, because
people
Use synonyms
 must watch their daily
sugar
Use synonyms
 intake. Diabets
causes
Correct subject-verb agreement
cause
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 to become weak,
unable
Correct word choice
and unable
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 to engage in activities, and can lead to stress, and even death.
Thus
Linking Words
, with high
prices
Use synonyms
 for
sugar
Use synonyms
foods
Use synonyms
 and
drinks
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
 will be more aware of their robust.
For example
Linking Words
, In Indonesia because they can obtain
sugar
Use synonyms
-high
foods
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 and
drinks
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 at lower
prices
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, 7 out of 10
people
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 in Indonesia suffer from diabetes.
This
Linking Words
 is because the government not increasing the
price
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 of those
foods
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 and
drinks
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, I
personally
Add a missing verb
am personally
show examples
 positive
to
Change preposition
about
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higher
Correct article usage
the higher
show examples
Use synonyms
price
Fix the agreement mistake
prices
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 of
sugar
Use synonyms
-high
food
Use synonyms
 and
drinks
Use synonyms
. I believe lower
prices
Use synonyms
 of healthy
food
Use synonyms
 will lead to more advantages for
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 bodies. Individuals
more
Add a missing verb
are more
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 healthy, active, and happy because
consumed
Wrong verb form
consume
show examples
 less
sugar
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
daily.

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task achievement
Ensure that your essay directly addresses the prompt throughout, emphasizing the advantages and disadvantages of high prices, rather than focusing mostly on the advantages.
coherence
Work on structuring your paragraphs clearly. Each paragraph should ideally start with a topic sentence that outlines the main idea of that paragraph.
cohesion
Be cautious with spelling and grammar. For example, 'Diabets' should be 'Diabetes', and 'bodies' should be 'body'. Proofreading your work can help you catch these small errors.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear opinion and provides relevant arguments in favor of high prices for sugar-rich foods.
task achievement
You provide specific examples, like Japan and Indonesia, which can enhance your argument's credibility.
coherence
The essay has a logical flow overall, making it fairly easy to follow your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Cognitive development
  • Pronunciation
  • Fluency
  • Brain plasticity
  • Cultural awareness
  • Globalized world
  • Proficiency
  • Educational opportunities
  • Motivation
  • Resource constraints
  • Specialized teachers
  • Academic pressure
  • Parental involvement
  • Curriculum balance
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