Work and Career Some people think that individuals should prioritize their career over their personal life. Do you agree or disagree?"

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It is often believed that spending time with family is important,
while
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others argue that
career
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growth is essential for success.
Although
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career
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progression is a major factor in determining the quality of
life
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, the vast majority of
people
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from nine to five,
which
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apply
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often
converts
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convert
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them into corporate robots,
for
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this
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reason, I disagree with the notion mentioned above. On one hand, some
people
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believe that
money
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can give you freedom and happiness to
fulfill
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fulfil
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the dreams of your
life
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.
For instance
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well-
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a furnished
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furnished
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well-furnished
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house, sports car and quality food.
This
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is the very reason why most of the
people
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are working tirelessly hard to make good fortunes in their lives.
For example
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, when someone
get
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gets
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sick and
need
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needs
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frequent medical care they can use their medical insurance to pay bills for the hospital.
However
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,
money
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can cater
very
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to very
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little things in
life
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, and I believe that
money
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cannot buy you everything.
On the other hand
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, others believe that personal
life
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matters the most in order to lead a successful
life
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.
This
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is to say, when an individual is mentally exhausted from work it will affect his/her relationships.
Moreover
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, a lot of
people
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are unhappy because they are stuck in a
pot hole
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pothole
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and want to get out of their misery.
For instance
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, the middle class has been the victim of the economic crisis since Covid. I,
therefore
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, agree that
,
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apply
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people
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should put their mental health first before their
career
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. In conclusion, despite
few
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the few
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luxuries and facilities
can
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that can
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be achieved by using
money
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, the overwhelming majority of
people
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are unaware of the disadvantages of giving too much attention to
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career
Correct pronoun usage
their career
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, and in my
opinion
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opinion,
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people
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should learn to manage
work-
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their work-life
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life
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balance and focus on their personal growth.

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task achievement
Develop your ideas further, providing more detailed examples or explanations to support your main points. This could enhance the clarity and depth of your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure each paragraph is logically structured with clear topic sentences and a connection to your main thesis. This will help in maintaining a coherent flow throughout the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Consider refining your language for precision and clarity. Avoid vague phrases and aim for varied vocabulary.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear position and acknowledges opposing views, which is a strong aspect of argumentation.
coherence and cohesion
You have a good structure with paragraphs clearly differentiated, helping the reader to follow your argument.
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