IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Work and Career Some people think that individuals should prioritize their career over their personal life. Do you agree or disagree?"

It is often believed that spending time with family is important,
while
Linking Words
 others argue that
career
Use synonyms
 growth is essential for success.
Although
Linking Words
career
Use synonyms
 progression is a major factor in determining the quality of
life
Use synonyms
, the vast majority of
people
Use synonyms
 from nine to five,
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
often
converts
Correct subject-verb agreement
convert
show examples
 them into corporate robots,
for
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 reason, I disagree with the notion mentioned above. On one hand, some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that
money
Use synonyms
 can give you freedom and happiness to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 the dreams of your
life
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
 well-
Correct article usage
a furnished
show examples
furnished
Correct your spelling
well-furnished
show examples
 house, sports car and quality food.
This
Linking Words
 is the very reason why most of the
people
Use synonyms
 are working tirelessly hard to make good fortunes in their lives.
For example
Linking Words
, when someone
get
Change the verb form
gets
show examples
 sick and
need
Change the verb form
needs
show examples
 frequent medical care they can use their medical insurance to pay bills for the hospital.
However
Linking Words
,
money
Use synonyms
 can cater
very
Change preposition
to very
show examples
 little things in
life
Use synonyms
, and I believe that
money
Use synonyms
 cannot buy you everything.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, others believe that personal
life
Use synonyms
 matters the most in order to lead a successful
life
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 is to say, when an individual is mentally exhausted from work it will affect his/her relationships.
Moreover
Linking Words
, a lot of
people
Use synonyms
 are unhappy because they are stuck in a
pot hole
Correct your spelling
pothole
show examples
 and want to get out of their misery.
For instance
Linking Words
, the middle class has been the victim of the economic crisis since Covid. I,
therefore
Linking Words
, agree that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 should put their mental health first before their
career
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, despite
few
Correct article usage
the few
show examples
 luxuries and facilities
can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
show examples
 be achieved by using
money
Use synonyms
, the overwhelming majority of
people
Use synonyms
 are unaware of the disadvantages of giving too much attention to
Use synonyms
career
Correct pronoun usage
their career
show examples
, and in my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 should learn to manage
work-
Correct pronoun usage
their work-life
show examples
life
Use synonyms
 balance and focus on their personal growth.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Develop your ideas further, providing more detailed examples or explanations to support your main points. This could enhance the clarity and depth of your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure each paragraph is logically structured with clear topic sentences and a connection to your main thesis. This will help in maintaining a coherent flow throughout the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Consider refining your language for precision and clarity. Avoid vague phrases and aim for varied vocabulary.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear position and acknowledges opposing views, which is a strong aspect of argumentation.
coherence and cohesion
You have a good structure with paragraphs clearly differentiated, helping the reader to follow your argument.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: