IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Travel and Tourism Some people think that the tourism industry is damaging to local cultures, while others believe it provides economic benefits. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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It is often argued that
tourism
Correct article usage
the tourism
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 industry is detrimental to local communities,
while
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 others claim that it is beneficial for economic prosperity.
Although
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 certain domestic norms showcase the uniqueness of the particular state, the vast majority of tourists are still unaware of the cultural heritage,
makes
Correct pronoun usage
which makes
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 them less likely to visit the country, and
for
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this
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 reason, I agree with the latter view. Local
documentaries
Use synonyms
 can provide knowledge and a greater understanding of various topics,
such
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 as local food, regional languages and history .
This
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 allows viewers to experience different art forms and traditions, which is often more enthralling than
seeing
Verb problem
watching
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 News channels.
For example
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, through the BBC’s cultural
documentaries
Use synonyms
 viewers can learn all sorts of new facts about the city that they might not have seen before in their lifetime.
However
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,
documentaries
Use synonyms
 only represent a tiny fraction of what people actually watch on TV, and I believe that they are not providing holistic coverage
to
Change preposition
of
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 local cultures. The fact remains that tourism is a significant economic driver, generating revenue and employment in various sectors like transportation, accommodation and beverage services.
Moreover
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, a lot of large corporations are investing heavily in
this
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 industry because it has been the most lucrative market in recent years.
For instance
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,
Turkish
Add an article
the Turkish
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 government is providing financial assistance to small businesses at subsidized rates to promote economic growth in order to boost the domestic economy. I,
therefore
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, agree that
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 tourism is imperative for the development of the country. In conclusion, despite a few
documentaries
Use synonyms
 and cultural shows providing
good
Add an article
a good
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 source of knowledge, the overwhelming majority of people want economic freedom, and I believe that
this
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more
Add a missing verb
is more
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 important in
broader
Correct article usage
the broader
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 spectrum.

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task achievement
Consider providing more balanced arguments for both views discussed in the essay. While you provided good points for economic benefits, delve deeper into how tourism can negatively impact local cultures to give a well-rounded perspective.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to clearly connect your ideas within and between paragraphs to enhance the flow of your essay. Using transitions can help guide the reader more smoothly from one point to another.
coherence and cohesion
Strengthen your introduction by clearly outlining your main points before diving into the argument. This would help set up the structure for the reader.
task achievement
Try to include additional specific examples or evidence to support your points. For instance, mentioning a specific case where tourism harmed local culture would make your argument stronger.
task achievement
You presented a clear opinion and maintained a focus on the economic aspects of tourism, which shows a good understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a generally clear structure with an introductory paragraph, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is positive for coherence.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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