IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that social media sites, such as Facebook or Twitter, have a negative impact on young people and their ability to form personal relationships. Others believe that these sites bring people together in a beneficial way.

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Some
people
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 say that it is harmful for children to use social
media
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 sites
such
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 as Facebook and Twitter because it might negatively impinge on their ability to foster personal bonds with other
people
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whereas
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 others think that the use of social
media
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 will provide benefits
with
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to
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 the young in terms of the relationships. I personally support the former opinion because even though
the
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apply
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technological advancements
such
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 as social
media
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 have
improved
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made
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 our
communication
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 easier and faster than before, I think that young
people
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 tend to try not to interact
each
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with each
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 other
face
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 to
face
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 because of
the
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apply
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technological developments. It is certain that
the
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apply
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modern technology has led
people
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 to connect
each
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with each
show examples
 other with
an
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apply
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easier and faster access to the internet and they can now communicate with anyone all day long, which
also
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 can encourage them to have a connection with others, resulting in feeling safety and a sense of belonging to community.
Furthermore
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, with
the
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apply
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easier access to social
media
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, they can find someone who has the same hobbies or interests, which might enrich their life.
However
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, at the same time, I reckon that
the
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apply
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easier access to the Internet can discourage them
to communicate
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from communicating
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 in person, leading them to lack
of
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apply
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communication
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 skills. Turning to the other aspect, some statistics have shown that over the past three decades, an increasing number of
people
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, especially the young, tend to
prefer
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prefer to
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 communicate on websites or social
media
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 over
a
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face-to-face
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face
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 to
face
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communication
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. The main cause of
this
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 is probably because of the development of technology. The advancement may reduce the amount of confidence of younger
people
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 to contact others in person,
thus
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 leading them to feel reluctant to communicate. In conclusion, I believe that
although
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 our
communication
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 style
have
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has
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 become more convenient because of the progress of technology,
those kind
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that kind
those kinds
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 of sites can influence more harmfully on the formation of interpersonalships of young
people
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.

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Task Achievement
While you have presented both sides of the argument, your main points could be more clearly delineated. Aim for clearer topic sentences in each paragraph that reflect the specific argument or aspect you are discussing.
Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance coherence, consider using more linking words or phrases to connect your ideas between sentences and paragraphs, which can help guide the reader through your argument more smoothly.
Task Achievement
The overall idea is clear, but be careful with some word choices and sentence structures. For example, phrases like 'impinge on their ability' could be simplified to 'negatively affect their ability.' Opting for simpler, more direct language can enhance clarity.
Task Achievement
You have engaged with both perspectives on the topic, which showcases a balanced view and encourages critical thinking.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction effectively sets up the debate regarding social media's impact on young people, which is a good starting point for your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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