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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say that parents have the most important role in a child's development. However, others argue that other things like television or friends have the most siginificant influence. Discuss both views and opinion.

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For me our
parents
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 have the most important roles in our
life
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,
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apply
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because they have many
problems
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 ,
however
Linking Words
, they study about
life
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 and of course if they know about
life
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 that means they can teach you the better choices or roles in
life
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.
On the other hand
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, your
friends
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 are probably the same age as you which means they can'
t
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 understand everything in
life
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 like your
parents
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also
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 if you take their street you will have many
problems
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 and of course, you don'
t
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 want
problems
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.In fact, all kids,boys and teenagers know that
parents
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 are more expert. Not only these things but
also
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 when you study,when you work,if you have exams who is the one who will want you to get the best score? Anyone can answer of course your
parents
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 or your mother ,but how about your
friends
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? Okay, some
friends
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 will be happy about your great scores on another hand there are many
friends
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 who don'
t
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 want you to be the great one in
life
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. So when think about
this
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 comparison we can see
parents
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' ideas are almost better than friendships. Not only that but
also
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 sometimes you will have some
problems
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,now I'll tell you about some things you should do if you have a problem.
First,
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when you make a mistake you need to tell your
parents
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 or your brothers,and sisters. Why? Because maybe if you tell your
friends
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 they will say bad things about you to do it and when you do it you will make a bigger mistake than before,
furthermore
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 they are teenagers,they can'
t
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 think really about the perfect thing. But,
parents
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 can say the perfect thing that means you will never take the problem bigger. In the end,
parents
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 are not
such
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 us.
This
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 is my opinion how about you?

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What works well

2
task achievement

You presented a clear opinion on the topic, backing it with reasoning and examples. This shows your understanding of the question and your ability to convey personal views.

task achievement

Your writing reflects an awareness of the different influences on a child's development, addressing both sides of the argument. This is a great way to show critical thinking skills.

Improvement Suggestions

4
coherence and cohesion

Work on creating a clearer logical structure in your essay. Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that paragraphs flow logically from one to another. Consider outlining your points before writing to organize your thoughts best.

coherence and cohesion

Make sure to include clear topic sentences and summative conclusions that relate back to your thesis statement. A defined conclusion that summarizes your main points will strengthen the overall organization of your essay.

task achievement

Provide more varied and detailed examples to support your points. While you did present some valid ideas, elaborating on these with specific instances or scenarios could strengthen your argument and provide clarity.

task achievement

Try to enhance clarity in your writing by using varied sentence structures and vocabulary where appropriate. This will make your points clearer and keep the reader engaged throughout your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • role models
  • values
  • norms
  • emotional support
  • psychological growth
  • educational tool
  • cognitive development
  • social influencers
  • social skills
  • balanced influence
What to do next:
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