IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Nowadays,
people
Use synonyms
 are living longer than before. Some
people
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 argue that the elderly make problems for
government
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the government
show examples
.
However
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, some
people
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 believe that they are beneficial for communities.
This
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 essay will examine both
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
show examples
 and disadvantages of
this
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 issue and provide a balanced analysis. One of the advantages is that older
people
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 contribute to their families and society.
This
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 means, they usually look after their children's baby and participate in rewarding work.
For example
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,
todays
Correct your spelling
today
, some parents are occupied with their responsibilities.
Consequently
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, these individuals can help their children take care
their
Change preposition
of their
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 grandchildren
such
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 as taking
to
Correct pronoun usage
them to
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 the park, school and gym.
And
Correct word choice
Also
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also
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, they can share their experiences and achievements and tell stories, so the grandchildren can gain
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 perception of life.
For example
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, most of them can be professional counselors in industries or organizations, because they experienced and acquired valuable lessons during their work.
On the other hand
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, some claim that an ageing population impose expenses on
government
Correct article usage
the government
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.
That is
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 to say, some financial resources have to
allocate
Wrong verb form
be allocated
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 to their insurance. Because they will face
with
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apply
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prevalent illnesses during
this
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 age
such
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 as heart attack, diabetes, and teeth .
For instance
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, not only do they help countries,
bus
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but
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also
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 they have costs for health
well-being
Correct word choice
and well-being
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. Taking into account the arguments presented above, the following conclusion can be drawn;
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
while
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, some
people
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 argue that a number of
people
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 who are more than 50 years old and recognize
them
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 retirement can consume budgets on health insurance. Some believe that these kinds of
people
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 can assist their children,
taking
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by taking
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 care of
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 grandchildren. I believe that
merits
Correct article usage
the merits
show examples
 outweigh the drawbacks.

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task achievement
The introduction could better outline the specific advantages and disadvantages you will discuss in your essay. Adding a thesis statement that clearly states your viewpoint can enhance clarity.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences could be restructured for clarity, especially in the transitions between thoughts. Ensure that each paragraph flows into the next one smoothly.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points. For instance, when discussing the advantages, mention specific activities or contributions elderly individuals make in society or offer more precise statistics to highlight the costs associated with an ageing population.
task achievement
You effectively present both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced analysis of the topic.
task achievement
Your use of examples, such as the role of grandparents in childcare, adds depth to your argument and illustrates the points you make.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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