In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government has the responsibility to change the situation. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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One of the worrying trends in modern society is that
children
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have been increasingly suffering from
obesity
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. It is believed by some sociologists that the
government
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should take the responsibility to tackle
this
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alarming situation.
Although
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the
government
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should do so, the success ultimately rests on concerted efforts between
governments
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and parents. The primary justification for requiring efforts from politicians lies in the belief that they should and can solve
such
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problems. Central to the future well-being of any society is the healthy development of
children
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;
thus
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, as the protector of the citizenry and the organization aiming at sustainable development, the
government
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should take responsibility for tackling the global
obesity
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epidemic.
In addition
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,
governments
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can enforce laws;
for example
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, they can place a ban on advertising for food and drinks high in sugar, salt, and fat, all of which are the principal contributors to
children
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’s
obesity
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. Stringent regulations have been imposed in countries
such
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as the UK to mitigate the problem.
Therefore
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, the duties and abilities necessitate the role of
government
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in addressing
this
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issue
However
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, hardly can
this
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worrying trend be halted or reversed by
governments
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only. At a macro level, it is true that the
government
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can mitigate the problems that ensue from an unbalanced diet by imposing a blanket advertising ban on fast food. At a micro level,
governments
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, unfortunately, usually fail to eliminate the risks posed by living a sedentary lifestyle.
Children
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are prone to do activities
such
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as watching television, playing video games, or using a mobile phone, all of which occupy their free time for exercise.
This
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makes it difficult for
governments
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to remedy the situation,
thus
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necessitating the role of parents, with whom
children
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can realize the adverse effects that ensue from
obesity
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and can get rid of unhealthy lifestyle choices. In conclusion, to alleviate childhood
obesity
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, concerted efforts should be made between
governments
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and individuals, both of which are indispensable in creating an environment conducive to
children
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’s development.

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task achievement
While your arguments are well-structured, adding more specific examples or statistics could enhance your essay and provide stronger support for your points.
coherence and cohesion
To further improve the flow of your essay, consider using more linking phrases to connect your ideas within and between paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion is strong, but you might want to reiterate the main points more clearly to reinforce your argument.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly presents the issue and your stance, setting a strong foundation for your argument.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with clear paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the argument, which enhances readability.

Your opinion

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Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

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...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • government intervention
  • junk food consumption
  • physical education (PE)
  • sporting facilities
  • subsidies
  • public health campaigns
  • balanced diet
  • parental supervision
  • nutritional education
  • meal planning
  • advertising regulations
  • socio-economic status
  • recreational facilities
  • personal responsibility
  • health education
  • long-term consequences
  • youth-led initiatives
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