IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2.5

In many countries, childhood obesity is a growing problem. What are the reasons for this and what can individuals and governments do to tackle the problem?

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Obesity is a growing concern for many people, Most importantly it is being increased in children which we can notice
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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prominently in recent times. There could be quite a few reasons like
food
Use synonyms
 habits
along with
Linking Words
 physical activity.
Childrens
Correct your spelling
Children
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 come with so much of responsibilities, in
todays'
Change noun form
today's
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 busy life where both the
parents
Use synonyms
 are working in order to manage the expenses,
Kids
Use synonyms
 are given candies as a reward for keeping quiet or probably doing their homework or for their best behaviour, making them slowly consume sugar. As per research sugar and cheese are
most
Correct article usage
the most
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 addictive foods which
almost
Add a missing verb
are almost
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, if not present in all the
food
Use synonyms
 aisles. To Add on, the second reason is online video games,
instead
Linking Words
 of longer physical activities which can help a child to increase their metabolism and hunger, rather playing online games and watching cartoons too often has
also
Linking Words
 caused in
non movement
Add a hyphen
non-movement
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.
Thirdly
Linking Words
,
Kids
Use synonyms
 at
the
Correct article usage
an
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 early age tend to observe more, they tend to follow their
parents
Use synonyms
,
if
Correct word choice
and if
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 they aren't healthy,
kids
Use synonyms
 won't be either.
Linking Words
furthermore
Add a comma
furthermore,
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kids
Use synonyms
 replicate what
parents
Use synonyms
 do in their daily life. To sum it up,
Correct article usage
the Goverment
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Goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 needs to change
food
Use synonyms
 laws to promote healthy
food
Use synonyms
 with labels ben
mentioning
Wrong verb form
mention
show examples
 all the ingredients
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
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 sugar,
along with
Linking Words
 nutritional advice for
parents
Use synonyms
 which is a must in nurturing
child's
Correct article usage
a child's
show examples
 physical and mental health.

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coherence and cohesion
The introduction could be clearer if it succinctly states the specific reasons for childhood obesity and briefly outlines the solutions as well. Consider revising to better frame your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to organize your paragraphs with clear topic sentences and supporting details. Each reason should ideally have its own paragraph for better flow.
task achievement
Incorporate more specific examples that illustrate your points about solutions. This will enhance the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas.
task achievement
Proofread your essay to correct minor grammatical errors and improve the overall clarity of your writing. For instance, replace 'Childrens' with 'Children' and 'Goverment' with 'Government'.
task achievement
You have identified several important factors contributing to childhood obesity, such as food habits and lack of physical activity. This shows a good understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both the causes and possible solutions, demonstrating a well-rounded approach to the task at hand.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • childhood obesity
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • balanced diet
  • fast food
  • sugary snacks
  • physical activity
  • nutrition education
  • health campaigns
  • public health initiatives
  • government regulations
  • home-cooked meals
  • extracurricular sports
  • digital entertainment
  • sedentary behavior
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