IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In Britain, when someone gets old they often go to live in a home with other old people where there are nurses to look after them. Sometimes the government has to pay for this care. Who do you think should pay for this care, the government or the family? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge orr experience.

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It is said that older
people
Use synonyms
 in Britain move to old age houses where they live under nurses' assistance. Well, it is the most argued and hot topic of debate. I believe that the
government
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 should pay the
money
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of
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for
show examples
 elderly
care
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. I will be elaborating and exemplifying my reasons in the paragraphs below. Commencing with the very first reason,
elder
Add a missing verb
is elder
show examples
people
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 have worked and given a lot to the
country
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 in their early years, which gives them the right to demand
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
adequate
care
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 and shelter.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they were assets for the
country
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 in the past years and helped
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country
Add an article
the country
show examples
 to grow and develop by investing their precious time, hard work, and earned
money
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 as taxes. To exemplify,
people
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 who worked at a very low wage and gave some proportion of that
money
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 to the
country
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 as tax is more than enough to
care
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 for them now in their old age. That particular amount of
money
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 should be used in their
care
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 at elderly homes.
Secondly
Linking Words
, there are some countries where the
government
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 takes the responsibility of elder
people
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 and provides them with free shelter,
care
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, food, and nurses for assistance.
For instance
Linking Words
, the UK is one of those countries where elder
people
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 are taken
care
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for
Change preposition
of for
show examples
 free.
Apart from
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
, there are a lot of well-known NGOs that donate
money
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 for old home
care
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.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, social media influencers make a link where their followers donate
money
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 to
such
Linking Words
 home
care
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. Family members are bearly surviving in the tornado of inflation. So, taking
care
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 of old
people
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 would be another burden for them. To elaborate, Groceries,
launderies
Correct your spelling
laundries
laundering
, rental houses, education of children, and electricity bills are already consuming a proportion of salary and taking
care
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 of elder
people
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 will make it difficult to shoulder the burden. To encapsulate, the
government
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 should keep the elderly in its shadow and there should be some policies where
government
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people
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 and other working
people
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 can invest or donate some
money
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for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 elder
people
Use synonyms
.
Lastly
Linking Words
, "the ones who are liabilities now were the assets before".

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Task Achievement
Your essay presents a clear position on the topic and gives a reasoned argument for why the government should fund elderly care. However, try to elaborate more on your points to make your argument even clearer.
Coherence and Cohesion
The organization of your essay is mostly logical, but consider using more varied linking phrases to enhance coherence between ideas. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph clearly connects back to the main argument of the essay.
Task Achievement
While your examples are relevant, consider providing additional specific examples or statistics to strengthen your argument. This will help in demonstrating a clearer understanding of the impacts of elderly care on families and society as a whole.
Content
Your introduction succinctly sets the stage for the debate about elderly care, and you present your argument clearly. This helps the reader understand your viewpoint right from the start.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • elderly care
  • nursing home
  • government support
  • financial burden
  • societal responsibility
  • aging population
  • quality of care
  • policy investment
  • healthcare system
  • family obligations
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