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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people argue that there should be a common punishment for committing a certain crime for all criminals who carry it out. On the other hand, others suggest that the comditions under which the criminal commits a crime should be taken into consideration before deciding the punishment. How far do you agree or disagree with the arguments presented ?

While
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 some argue that courts should follow the same standards when passing
judgement
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judgment
show examples
 on all types of crime, others contend that discretion is necessary to account for the different circumstances.
This
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 essay maintains that
while
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 universal punishments may succeed, a balance is needed when dealing with criminal cases. On the one hand, the idea of common punishment stems from the inequitable outcomes of judicial processes reported in some countries. After conviction, some
people
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 may contend that their punishments are harsher than what they expected. Individuals holding
such
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 subjective views may have knowledge of other
people
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 who received more lenient punishments in similar circumstances, and
thus
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 demand non-preferential treatment under the law. To exemplify the foregoing, anthropologists
such
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 as Mary Pipher highlight the need to set overarching standards to handle traffic offences for younger and older
people
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, so that age is not used as a stereotype in assessing driving
crimes
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.
On the other hand
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, to achieve fair legal outcomes, it is essential to consider the weight of offences and the conditions under which they were committed.
This
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 means differentiating serious
crimes
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 from minor ones, so that when one faces legal proceedings, they are guaranteed to receive a sentence equivalent to their offence.
For example
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, many countries pass heavier sentences for gross
crimes
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such
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 as rape, murder, terrorism and fraud, and lighter ones for
crimes
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such
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 as
over-speeding
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speeding
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 and
jay-walking
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jaywalking
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. Many
people
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 consider these fair and equitable outcomes based on the magnitude of cases. In conclusion, the points for demanding common punishment are reasonable.
However
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, my opinion is that we need a balanced legislative system that thoroughly assesses cases in order to pass
judgements
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judgments
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 that reflect the circumstances and magnitude of the
crimes
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 committed.

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cohesion
Add more clear links to show how each point leads to your view.
content
Give real and simple examples to back the points. Current examples are vague or odd.
lexical
Keep language simple and short. Some phrases are long and hard to read.
stance
Clear view with balance and a fair stance.
structure
Good use of 'on the one hand' and 'on the other hand' to show both sides.
structure
Introduction and conclusion present.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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