IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Scientists tell us some activities are good for health and others are bad. Despite knowing that million of people continue doing unhealthy activities. What are the causes and what are the solutions?

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In recent years, there has been a significant growth in the number of individuals engaging in unhealthy activities primarily
due to
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 addiction and accessibility of fast
food
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.
However
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, I firmly believe that
this
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 issue can be effectively addressed by implementing strategies
such
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 as education and restricting junk
food
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.
This
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 essay will analyse the underlying causes of
this
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 phenomenon and suggest practical solutions to handle it.
To begin
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 with, the main factor contributing to an unhealthy lifestyle is addiction.
This
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 problem arises because nowadays a huge number of people face stress, and anxiety at the workplace, which causes them to take up smoking. A recent study conducted in the US has revealed that one out of five people smokes
due to
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 burnout and pressure at work, resulting in serious health issues like lung cancer. Another factor causing an unhealthy lifestyle is the accessibility of fast
food
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.
Due to
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 globalization, many fast
food
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 restaurants
such
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 as KFC and McDonalds open their branches in other countries, offering cheaper alternatives to home-cooked
food
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.
As a result
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, many individuals prefer fast
food
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 because of their finances without considering the detrimental effects of fast
food
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. In spite of these difficulties,
this
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 issue can be tackled by implementing effective strategies.
Firstly
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, the
government
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 should explain the harmful effects of smoking and other substance addictions by integrating
this
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 issue into biology lessons.
For instance
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, teachers can illustrate the consequences of smoking, allowing students to prevent taking up
such
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 habits.
This
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 method will definitely help students lead healthy lifestyles.
Additionally
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, the
government
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 should ban fast
food
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 consumption in certain places
such
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 as schools by providing students with other
food
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 alternatives like home-cooked
food
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.A notable example of
this
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 is the Kazakhstan
government
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 which restricted fast
food
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 consumption in educational settings.
Moreover
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, parents should encourage their children to consume a balanced diet, rich in essential minerals In conclusion, the rise in unhealthy lifestyles is largely driven by addiction and the widespread availability of fast
food
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.
However
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, these issues can be effectively mitigated through educational initiatives and
government
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 regulations aimed at promoting healthier habits. By raising awareness in schools and restricting the consumption of junk
food
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, especially among the youth, society can foster long-term health improvements and reduce the prevalence of lifestyle-related diseases.

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coherence and cohesion
While your essay presents a clear structure and logical flow, try to enhance the linking phrases between sentences and paragraphs for better coherence. For example, using phrases like 'Moreover', 'In addition', and 'Consequently' can help your argument flow more smoothly.
task achievement
Your points are relevant and well-supported; however, consider providing more varied examples or data for each point to strengthen your argument further. Instead of just mentioning a study in the US, you could refer to statistics or studies from other countries for a broader context.
task achievement
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your points, but it could be more impactful by reiterating the importance of the solutions you proposed. Emphasizing how implementing these solutions can lead to significant health improvements would make your conclusion stronger.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction that outlines the main points which helps guide the reader effectively. The argument is logically structured with distinct paragraphs for different ideas, which enhances readability.
task achievement
You have provided good examples to illustrate your points, particularly regarding smoking and the fast food issue, which adds credibility to your arguments. The mention of a specific government's action offers a real-world example of how the solutions can be implemented.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • awareness
  • consequences
  • addiction
  • coping mechanism
  • social norms
  • cultural influences
  • psychological factors
  • accessibility
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • preventive measures
  • health risks
  • behavior change
  • public health initiatives
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