IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Health services are a basic necessity. However, private companies have made them quite costly for ordinary individuals. Do the advantages of private health care outweigh its disadvantages?

Over the
last
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 two or three decades, the way that treating illnesses has changed drastically
due to
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 the large number of private facilities.
As a result
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, a growing number of humans are choosing to be treated in personal hospitals.
However
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, is
this
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 development positive, or are there more drawbacks than advantages? In
this
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 essay, I will explore the pros and cons of commercial fitness services and try to draw some conclusions. I will start by looking at the advantages. One of the major plus points of treating commercial companies is the fact that these types of companies offer high-quality services.
In other words
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, these hospitals are well-equipped with modern technologies and have an opportunity to attract experts for operations.
Secondly
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, it might be said that there is a huge amount of money in the company
fond
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apply
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.
That is
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 to say, personal medical centers earn more money that's why have to pay big quantity taxes. On the whole private clinics help to fill the government budget.
On the other hand
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, private hospitals are very expensive for the poor social layer of the people. Namely, poor people can not afford to be treated in health facilities. In African countries,
for example
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, in there many humans are poor and can not enjoy health services. Because of
this
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 most of them die early or suffer from long-term illness. Not only that, they violate conscience and morality for only their own benefit.
For example
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, they may tell patients to take medications, pills or treatments that are not actually necessary and may even be harmful.
To conclude
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, there are both positives and negatives of personal clinics.
Although
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 commercial medical centres are costly personally, I believe the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

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task achievement
The introduction could be improved by providing a clearer thesis statement. Make sure to explicitly state your position on whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
task achievement
Try to develop your main points with more depth. For instance, instead of just mentioning that private hospitals are expensive, you could elaborate on the implications this has on society as a whole.
coherence and cohesion
Ensuring that the ideas flow logically from one to the next would enhance the coherence of your essay. Using linking phrases and more clear topic sentences can help improve this.
coherence and cohesion
You could strengthen the conclusion by summarizing the main points discussed in the essay more succinctly and reiterating your position in a more compelling manner.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is well-structured and has clear paragraphs, making it easy for the reader to follow your argument.
task achievement
You have included relevant examples that illustrate your points, particularly regarding the impacts of private healthcare on poorer populations.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • cutting-edge technology
  • highly skilled professionals
  • patient experience
  • outcomes
  • personalized care
  • healthcare practitioners
  • competition
  • standards
  • government burden
  • public funds
  • prohibitively expensive
  • disparities
  • profitability
  • over-treatment
  • neglect
  • non-profitable cases
  • ethical concerns
  • financial status
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