IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people believe that smoking cigarettes should be banned. On the other hand, there are those who disagree with this measure. Do you agree or disagree with the banning of cigarettes?

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Smoking cigarettes is a common habit around the world. Some people believe it should be banned because it is harmful,
while
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 others think it is a personal choice.
This
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 will discuss both views and share my own opinion. First of all, smoking is very bad for
health
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. It causes serious diseases
such
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 as lung cancer, heart problems, and breathing issues. Not only does it affect the smoker, but
also
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 the population around them.
For example
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, if someone smokes at home, their family, including children, can breathe in the smoke and
also
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 become sick.
This
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 is called second-hand smoke, and it is
also
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 dangerous.
Secondly
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, smoking creates a big cost for the
health
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 system. When many people get sick from smoking, they need treatment and medicine. Governments have to spend more money on hospitals and doctors.
This
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 money could be used for better things, like education or helping poor individuals.
For instance
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, in some countries, a large part of healthcare spending is used to treat smoking-related illnesses.
However
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, some humans think smoking should not be banned because it is their personal freedom. They believe everyone has the right to make their own choices. Whilst personal freedom is important, it should not harm other communities. Just like society cannot drive fast in cities to protect others, smoking should
also
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 be limited to protect public
health
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. In conclusion, I believe cigarettes should be banned because they are harmful to
health
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, expensive for society, and dangerous to others. The government should take strong steps to reduce smoking and protect people's
health
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.

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task achievement
Consider providing one or two more specific examples to strengthen your argument. For instance, statistics or studies on smoking-related health costs can enhance your points.
coherence
Try to improve the flow of ideas between paragraphs with more linking phrases.
task achievement
Make sure to clarify your stance more explicitly in the introduction and conclusion, perhaps by stating your agreement with a concise sentence after addressing both views.
content
The introduction clearly states the topic and presents both sides of the argument succinctly, which sets a good framework for the essay.
content
There is a strong use of examples, particularly regarding second-hand smoke and economic costs, which adds depth to your argument.
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