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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that schools should only teach academic subjects that are useful for future careers. Others believe that artistic subjects such as music and drama are also important. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

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In the contemporary era, some people believe that schools should only teach academic
subjects
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 that are useful for future careers,
while
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 others argue that artistic
subjects
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 like music and drama are
also
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 important. In my notion, it is a positive
development
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. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both perspectives before presenting my opinion that creative
subjects
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 are essential for children’s
overall
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development
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. To commence with, in a
time
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 of increasing academic pressure, educational resources should prioritize
subjects
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 that directly contribute to economic success,
such
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 as STEM fields, rather than art.
For example
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, if children spend too much
time
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 on creative
subjects
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, they might neglect their studies and perform poorly in exams.
Moreover
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, it will help in developing future careers in the various fields.
Therefore
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, to become a good Doctor, Engineer and teacher we have to be qualified. Moving ahead, artistic activities should be part of the school curriculum because they improve a child’s
overall
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development
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.
However
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, if a child spends too much
time
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 on artwork, it may negatively affect their academic performance.
For example
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, they might spend less
time
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 on core
subjects
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 like math and science, which can lead to lower grades.
As a result
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, schools should maintain a balance between academic
subjects
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 and creative activities.
This
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 approach supports both intellectual growth and creative expression. In conclusion,
although
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 some people argue that academic
subjects
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 are important for future careers.
However
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, creative
subjects
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such
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 as music and drama
also
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 contribute to
achild’s
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a child’s
 emotional and intellectual
development
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.
Therefore
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, a balanced approach is essential in education.

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear opinion and discusses both views effectively, but ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and stays focused on it throughout.
coherence and cohesion
Try to improve the transitions between some of your points to enhance logical flow. For example, instead of 'Moving ahead', consider 'On the other hand' to indicate a shift in perspective.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your conclusion does not contain an incomplete sentence. In your conclusion, it should clearly summarize and reinforce your main points.
task achievement
You clearly present your opinion and provide a balanced view of both academic and artistic subjects, which is a key requirement of the task.
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