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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

THe line graph below gives informations about the persentage of women aged 15-64 in employment between 2003 and 2009

THe line graph below gives informations about the persentage of women aged 15-64 in employment between 2003 and 2009
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The line graph compares the
date
Correct your spelling
data
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 about the proportion of women aged between 15 and 64
employment
Use synonyms
 some of the countries, from 2003 to 2009.
Overall
Linking Words
, the percentage of women
employment
Use synonyms
 saw several periods, a decrease a rise and a stability in several countries like Iceland, Canada, Germany,
Chili
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Chile
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 and Turkey.
It is clear that
Linking Words
, in 2003, Iceland was
a
Change preposition
at a
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peak of
employment
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, it was nearly 80 per
cent
Use synonyms
. During the 4 years it
no
Verb problem
did not
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changed
Wrong verb form
change
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 and
than
Replace the word
then
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 it reduced over the 2 years, between 80 and 70 per
cent
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. It can be seen that
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 the percentage of Canada in 2003, was nearly 70.
Than
Replace the word
Then
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 it saw a period of stability from 2003 to 2009. Meanwhile,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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Turkey, in the
beginning
Add the comma(s)
beginning,
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 was between 20 and 30 per
cent
Use synonyms
 and it
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
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started falling till 2007 and lifted minimally by the end of 2 years. If it comes to the other county, Germany
in the beginning
Add the comma(s)
, in the beginning,
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 was about 60 proportion of the
employment
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 and started slightly growing year by year. By the end of
span
Add an article
the span
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,
it
Change the pronoun
its
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 growth shows approximately 65 per
cent
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. Compared with Chili was between 30 and 40
percentage
Replace the word
per cent
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 at the beginning and saw a
slightly
Change the adverb
slight
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 growth from 2003 to 2009. It illustrates over the 40 per
cent
Use synonyms
.

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Vocabulary: Replace the words employment, cent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "compares" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "growth" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "stability" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.
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