IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. why is this the case? do you think this is a positive or a negative development ?

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There is no denying the fact that raising
children
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 is complicated, and many young juveniles consume their
time
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 on cellular telephones.
This
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 essay will discuss the reasons
of
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for
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 that, and
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accordingly
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accordingly,
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 I believe that it has drawbacks, when they are used by
children
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 for
long
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a long
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time
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.
To begin
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 with, there are many causes for using
smart phones
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smartphones
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 by youths.
Firstly
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, they
addicted
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are addicted
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with
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to
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 these devices.
In other words
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,
children
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 find many short videos (Reels)
in
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on
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 the internet through plenty of platforms and generally in
absence
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the absence
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 of parents’ observations,
due to
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 their great responsibilities.
Secondly
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, houses have become smaller, because of urban development and
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the increase
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increase
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increased
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 population in modern
life style
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lifestyle
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.
As a result
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, playgrounds
number has
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have
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also
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 decreased and young kids don’t have spaces to engage in exercises.
For example
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, in Arabic countries, there is a huge
raise
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rise
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 in their population,
consequently
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, they have more
children
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 addicted to mobiles. In terms of challenges, there is a surge in
obesity
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the obesity
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 rate
between
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among
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 adolescents. It is
also
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 possible to say that they do not
make
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do
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 sports activities,
thus
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 cellular gadgets occupy all their
time
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.
Moreover
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, social communication
drop
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dropped
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. They do not see their friends face to face,
similarly
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, they can not deal with
real life
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real-life
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 problems.
For instance
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, there is a considerable
raise
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rise
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 in
children
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 who have autism, and
this
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 issue
appear
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appeared
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 recently because of
smart phones
Correct your spelling
smartphones
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. In conclusion, there are many reasons for engaging in
internet
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the internet
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 by
children
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,
it
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but it
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 is
also
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 true that it has many disadvantages of that addiction. I suggest that mobiles have great benefits, so it is very crucial for parents to make rules to limit the
time
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 that could be spent on these devices by their
off springs
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offsprings
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.

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Task Achievement
Consider providing a clearer overview of your main points in the introduction to guide your reader better.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that all your paragraphs have clear topic sentences to improve the readability and logical flow of your ideas.
Task Achievement
Try to use more specific examples and elaborate on your points to strengthen your arguments and make them more persuasive.
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the topic and presents a clear opinion on the use of smartphones by children.
Coherence and Cohesion
Varied vocabulary is used throughout the essay, which is a positive aspect.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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