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Writing Samples
Band 5

In some countries university students live at home with their family while they study, whereas in other countries students attend university in another city. Do you think the benefits of living away from home during university outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from own knowledge or experience.

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In several countries undergraduate
students
Use synonyms
 live at their family house during their studies,
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 in remaining
countries
Add a comma
countries,
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 study
at
Change preposition
on
show examples
 campus in different cities. I believe that
students
Use synonyms
 attending campus in another city have more advantages than living with their family
such
Linking Words
 as maturity and independence will be gained during
this
Linking Words
 period. On
one
Correct article usage
the one
show examples
 hand, there are a lot of positive aspects if the
students
Use synonyms
 are living away from their home.
Students
Use synonyms
 will develop their essential life skills,
such
Linking Words
 as time management, self-discipline and financial discipline.
Thereafter
Linking Words
,
students
Use synonyms
 will learn new cultures,
ideas
Correct word choice
and ideas
show examples
 and make new friends.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, living away from family is not easy and will affect their performance during their studies.
For instance
Linking Words
,
students
Use synonyms
 will be tired because sometimes they must work to help their family to pay their bills and do daily responsibility.
Whereas
Linking Words
students
Use synonyms
 living at home with their family
while
Linking Words
 they study is not that bad.
Students
Use synonyms
 will have stable results because they have full support from their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 and do not have to think about their daily duties,
such
Linking Words
 as cleaning their clothes, cooking breakfast, and working
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their bills.
However
Linking Words
, sometimes they do not have a high spirit to achieve their dream,
due to
Linking Words
the
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 comfort zone will make them careless and lazy during their studies. In conclusion, even though living away from family during university life will bring various challenges, personal development and life experience will form
students
Use synonyms
 to be more independent and more mature than
students
Use synonyms
 living with their families.

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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples to illustrate your points. This will strengthen your argument and provide a clearer understanding of your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to use linking words and phrases to smoothly transition between your ideas and paragraphs. This can improve the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Aim for a more formal tone. Phrases like 'is not that bad' can be replaced with 'has its advantages.' This will enhance the overall quality of your writing.
task achievement
You clearly stated your opinion in the introduction, which sets the framework for your essay.
task achievement
The discussion of the benefits of living away from home, such as gaining life skills and independence, is insightful and relevant.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • independence
  • self-reliance
  • finance management
  • exposure
  • broaden horizons
  • open-minded
  • adaptability
  • conducive environment
  • isolation
  • homesickness
  • financial burden
  • household duties
  • academic responsibilities
  • personal growth
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