IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

some people believe that it is good to share ass much information as possible in scientific research, business and the academic world. others believe that some information is too important and too valuable to be shared freely.

In some individuals’ opinion, sharing as much data as possible in various
field
Fix the agreement mistake
fields
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 comprising research, business and
academic
Correct article usage
the academic
show examples
 world. Others believe that some
information
Use synonyms
 is too crucial or too valuable to be shared freely. In my perspective, the balanced approach is the best. Let’s explore both viewpoints and provide an analysis. On one hand, informing the community about recent progressions in business, research and
academic
Correct article usage
the academic
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 world should not be ignored as
vital
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a vital
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 element for creating motivation.It means that promising data can contribute to emotional resilience among people, and provide
better
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a better
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 environment for
community
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the community
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 to resist
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
terrible
circumstance
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circumstances
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.
For instance
Linking Words
, the patient who fights against cancer disease when
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
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informed about the new drug associated with cancer, is highly likely to be delighted and stay positive. Some
information
Use synonyms
 as
promoter
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promoters
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 would create
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 sense of happiness among individuals.
Therefore
Linking Words
, these reasons elaborate
the
Change preposition
on the
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 importance of sharing
information
Use synonyms
 in mental health.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some groups of societies may abuse shared
information
Use synonyms
 to achieve their personal purpose. In essence, natural resources would be damaged by these performances
,
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apply
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 and may lead to
extinction
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the extinction
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 of various species. it is extinction that might provide dangerous
condition
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conditions
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 for human
being
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beings
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 like drought. These catastrophes would play
important
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an important
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 role in either social status
and
Correct word choice
apply
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or occupation.
For example
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,
shortage
Correct article usage
a shortage
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 of fossil
fuels
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fuel
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 resources can affect on electrical system and some people may be deprived. All in all, sharing data in sensible ways can open the door of opportunities and improve
individual’s
Correct article usage
an individual’s
show examples
 skills. Not only could it be impressive, but
also
Linking Words
 it could be beneficial for humanity.
Although
Linking Words
 sharing some
date
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dates
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 can engender positive
current
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currents
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,
that is
Linking Words
better
Add an article
a better
show examples
 assessment of
date
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dates
show examples
, before sharing them.

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task achievement
Your introduction presents both sides of the argument, but it would be even stronger if you clearly stated your thesis that a balanced approach is preferred. This sets the stage for your discussion more effectively.
coherence and cohesion
While your paragraphs are generally organized, some transitions between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the transition from discussing the benefits of sharing information to the potential risks could be enhanced with clearer linking phrases.
task achievement
Some of your points, such as the impact of shared information on mental health and environmental issues, could be more fully developed. Try to elaborate on how sharing information can lead to specific outcomes or solutions.
coherence and cohesion
There are minor grammatical errors and awkward phrases throughout the essay. For example, 'the patient who fights against cancer disease when be informed' should be rephrased for clarity. Proofreading could help catch these mistakes and improve your overall clarity.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both sides of the argument, which demonstrates a good understanding of the task and allows for a balanced discussion.
task achievement
You provided a relevant example regarding cancer research, which adds strength to your argument about the benefits of sharing information.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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