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Writing Samples
Band 4

The diagrams below show the life cycle of a speicies of large fish called the salmon. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The diagrams below show the life cycle of a speicies of large fish called the salmon. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The illustrations depict the maturation cycle of a big fish,
also
Linking Words
 known as the
salmon
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, there are three stages of transformation are shown,
while
Linking Words
 the first phase is demonstrated more comprehensively than the other two.
In addition
Linking Words
, the dimensions of them are clearly indicated for the comparison purposes. In the first picture, the initial stage of
salmon
Use synonyms
 is illustrated.
Salmon
Use synonyms
 eggs are laid beneath the small stones, where the reeds grow. It takes approximately 5 or 6 months for them to become fry in
Correct article usage
a slow
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slow moving
Add a hyphen
slow-moving
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 upper river. Later,
fry
Correct article usage
the fry
show examples
relocate
Wrong verb form
relocated
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 to
lower
Add an article
the lower
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 river, which is fast flowing. They need roughly four years to turn smolt in that environment.
Lastly
Linking Words
, smolt swims to
open
Add an article
the open
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 sea, where during
five-year
Correct article usage
a five-year
show examples
 period they evolve
to
Change preposition
into
show examples
 adult
salmon
Use synonyms
. Each of these steps
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
 the fish look different in terms of size.
While
Linking Words
 the fry is the smallest with 3-8 cm length, adult
salmon
Use synonyms
 is measured 70-76 cm.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words salmon with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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