IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that environmental problems are too big for individuals to solve, while others believe that individuals can still make a significant difference in addressing these problems. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

In today's interconnected world, the value of
information
Use synonyms
 has grown significantly, particularly in fields
such
Linking Words
 as scientific research or business.
While
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 some people believe sharing too much
information
Use synonyms
 about scientific research is good,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
others say that some
information
Use synonyms
 is too valuable to be shared freely. Both arguments have
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
show examples
 valid reasons and
this
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 essay will discuss both perspectives before expressing my own opinion. On the one hand, supporters of open
information
Use synonyms
 sharing argue that it promotes collective progress. In science, sharing research findings allows other experts to verify results, build on them, and avoid repeating work.
For example
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, during the COVID-19 pandemic, the quick exchange of data between researchers worldwide
leaded
Correct your spelling
led
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 to the fast development of vaccines.
Similarly
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, in
academic
Add an article
the academic
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 world, free access to education materials can reduce inequality and provide students from developing countries a chance to learn and contribute to global knowledge. From
this
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 perspective, transparency
speed
Correct subject-verb agreement
speeds
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 up innovation and benefits
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society.
On the other hand
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, there are valid concerns about sharing sensitive or valuable
information
Use synonyms
 for free. In business, trade secrets are essential for keeping
competitive
Correct article usage
a competitive
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 advantage. If
such
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information
Use synonyms
 is shared, it could result in financial loss or allow rivals to use and gain benefits from it. 
For instance
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, the formula for Coca-Cola is a closely protected secret that gives the company a special place in the market. If
this
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 formula
become
Change the verb form
becomes
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 public, competitors could copy the product, possibly reducing Coca-Cola’s market and income.
This
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 example shows why some types of
information
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 must be protected to keep a company’s success. In conclusion,
although
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 open sharing of
information
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at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 science, business, and academia can drive innovation and global growth, some
information
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 should stay limited to prevent misuse. In my opinion,
while
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 transparency is necessary for cooperation and development, it is
also
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 important to protect key
information
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 that may cause risks or harm fair competition.
Therefore
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, I believe a balanced method of sharing knowledge carefully
while
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 keeping sensitive data private is the best solution.

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task achievement
Consider refining your thesis statement in the introduction to clearly indicate your stance more strongly. It currently presents the discussion rather than your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly ties back to your overall argument and the essay question, enhancing the link between your ideas and the topic.
coherence and cohesion
In the examples provided, ensure that you maintain consistent verb forms and clarity in wording. For instance, 'leaded' should be 'led.'
task achievement
Your essay presents a well-balanced view of the topic, demonstrating understanding of both sides of the argument, which is crucial in task response.
task achievement
The examples provided are relevant and connect well to the points being made, illustrating your arguments effectively.
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