IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

A larger amount of advertisements nowadays are now targeted at children. Many people say this has negative effects on children and should there be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Advertisement is a way to promote products through social media,
newspaper
Fix the agreement mistake
newspapers
show examples
 or by showing ads on Television. I totally agree with
this
Linking Words
, because there are some reasons behind it which
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 will mention in the next paragraphs. First of all, Only
few
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a few
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 Ads that target
childerens
Correct your spelling
children
children's
 which
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 logically good but other than that all
has
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have
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negative
Add an article
a negative
show examples
 impact on them
,
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apply
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 because they are promoting junk food, which is not good for their
overall
Linking Words
 health.
Moreover
Linking Words
, these days the agencies are promoting beers and
energy
Use synonyms
drinks
Use synonyms
 which
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 negative
affect
Correct your spelling
effects
show examples
 on child's
overall
Linking Words
 health and
particulary
Correct your spelling
particularly
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their brain growth, because these
drinks
Use synonyms
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 high
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
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 of
caffiene
Correct your spelling
caffeine
, which will affect their thinking ability and it will release high cortisol
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
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 in the brain which will make them anxious at very young age , eventually, they will suffer from anxiety attacks.
For example
Linking Words
, When
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 was 16 years old, my parents did not allow me to drink
energy
Use synonyms
drinks
Use synonyms
 because they believed, its not good for my health but once
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 drank it because
i
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I
show examples
 was
curios
Correct your spelling
curious
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. what happens next
was
Wrong verb form
is
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 horrible. My heart beat went high and after 3-4 hours
i
Change the capitalization
I
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 was unable to think clearly because
energy
Use synonyms
drinks
Use synonyms
increases
Change the verb form
increase
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
energy
Use synonyms
 for
short
Add an article
a short
show examples
 period of time, but
afterwards
Add a comma
afterwards,
show examples
 it drains full
energy
Use synonyms
 and
as a result
Linking Words
 , it is difficult for
body
Add an article
the body
show examples
 to survive in that condition. In conclusion, I think
advertisement
Replace the word
advertising
show examples
 agencies should promote better products, sports and educational stuff, which will help
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
show examples
 to grow mentally and physically,
therefore
Linking Words
, they will help their nations in various
factor's
Change noun form
ways
show examples
 by contributing
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 it.

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task achievement
Ensure all arguments are supported with clear and comprehensive ideas throughout the essay. Some points could have been more thoroughly developed to strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the logical flow of your ideas. Transitions between points could be smoother to enhance the overall coherence of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to proofread your essay to correct minor spelling and grammatical errors, which can distract from your message.
task achievement
You clearly stated your position in the introduction, which sets a focused tone for the essay.
task achievement
Your personal example provided a relevant illustration to support your argument regarding the impact of energy drinks.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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