IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think increasing business and cultural contacts between nationals is positive. Others think it leads to the disappearance of national identity. Discuss both views and state your own opinion.

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After the introduction of globalization theory, there is a comprehensive discussion about economic and cultural contacts between nationals.
Although
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 some individuals think these increasing contacts can be helpful, others completely disagree with them. I believe, despite the connection between nationals
may
Correct pronoun usage
that may
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 cause language change and identity challenges
such
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 as
disappearance
Add an article
the disappearance
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 of subcultures, it can lead to economic growth and peace.
This
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 essay will explore both views. One of the major drawbacks is that Intercultural
communications
Fix the agreement mistake
communication
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 can lead to identity problems. Generally, the more powerful a country’s economy is, the more cultural effects it has on other
countries
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that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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It means stronger
countries
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 can change other
countries
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’ traditions.
For instance
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, Halloween as a
western
Capitalize word
Western
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 celebration is celebrated in Middle Eastern
countries
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while
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 their traditional celebrations are ignored. The next problem is language change. Unfortunately, because of
increasing
Correct article usage
the increasing
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using
Replace the word
use
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 of technology and international communications, some local
languages
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 are replaced by international
languages
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. Now in India, as an example, English is the second
Use synonyms
languages
Fix the agreement mistake
language
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,
Although
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 Persian had
this
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 rank 200 years ago.
On the other hand
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, these international contacts can lead to economic growth. Huge firms
usually
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are usually
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interest
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interested
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 in investing
on
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in
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 developing
countries
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 because they can decrease their costs. At the same time,
this
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 kind of communication can lead to economic development.
For example
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,
economic
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the economic
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 indicators of Turkey improved when it could attract foreign investment after 2010.
Also
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,
this
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 communication affects global peace. The more
countries
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 trade together, the less possible they attack each other. It is because
of
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apply
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that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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if they attack
to
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apply
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each other, actually they will destroy their investments in
other country
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another country
other countries
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. As an obvious example,
while
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USA
Correct article usage
the USA
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 and China are
enemy
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enemies
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, they never attack
to
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apply
show examples
each other because of economic transactions. In conclusion, whilst international economic and cultural communications can result
to
Change preposition
in
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 identity issues and
disappearance
Correct article usage
the disappearance
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 of local
languages
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, they can lead to global peace and economic growth.
At the
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end
Add a comma
end,
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 I should mention that I believe they are generally advantageous.

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coherence and cohesion
Your essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, but ensure that each paragraph focuses tightly on a single point to enhance clarity and coherence. Consider better topic sentences for your body paragraphs.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples, but some could be more explicitly tied to your argument. Aim for a stronger connection between your examples and main points to strengthen your argument further.
task achievement
The essay successfully introduces the topic and presents both views, along with your own opinion clearly, which is important for task achievement.
task achievement
The use of specific examples, such as the economic development of Turkey and the cultural influence of Halloween, helps to illustrate your points effectively.
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