IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many young people today choose their future career based on the salary they will learn. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

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Nowadays,
people
Use synonyms
 argue that young
people
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 choose
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job
Correct article usage
a job
show examples
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base
Wrong verb form
based
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 on income
is
Correct your spelling
as
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advantage
Correct article usage
an advantage
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 or disadvantage
?
Change the punctuation
.
show examples
 Some
people
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 think a
high
Add a hyphen
high-salary
show examples
salary
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job
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 can give
people
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 more benefits, but
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
others don’t agree
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
. In my opinion, I think a high-paying
job
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 can give young
people
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 more advantages than disadvantages.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
choose
Wrong verb form
choosing
show examples
 a
job
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Use synonyms
base
Replace the word
based
show examples
 on
salary
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 can give young
people
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 more motivation. A high
salary
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 can push young
people
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improve
Add the particle
to improve
show examples
 their abilities
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because the employer selects their employees always
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base
Change the form of the verb
based
show examples
 on their abilities. If young
people
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 have great skills or efficiency solving problem abilities, the employers are more willing to increase
wage
Fix the agreement mistake
wages
show examples
 for them.
Additionally
Linking Words
, when young
people
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 take
initiative
Correct article usage
the initiative
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in
Change preposition
to
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 study knowledge or learn skills, they can take some new technology or ideas to their field,
become
Correct word choice
and become
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an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
important talent. It’s
also
Linking Words
 can promote social development.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
choose
Wrong verb form
choosing
show examples
 a
job
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
base
Replace the word
based
show examples
 on
salary
Use synonyms
 can give young
people
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 financial stability, and they can
more
Add a missing verb
have more
show examples
 freedom. A lot of young
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people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
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life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 rely on their
parents
Change noun form
parent's
parents'
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saving
Replace the word
savings
show examples
 even
they
Correct word choice
though they
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 have
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
graduated from university. Following their
parents
Change to a genitive case
parent's
parents'
show examples
 ages
adding
Verb problem
apply
show examples
, their family
life
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stress
Correct subject-verb agreement
stresses
show examples
 more and more strong. If young
people
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 can
keep
Verb problem
live
show examples
life
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 by themselves, they can reduce
Correct pronoun usage
their family’s
show examples
family’s
Change noun form
family
show examples
 stress.
Besides
Linking Words
, a
stabilize
Replace the word
stable
show examples
 paying
job
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 can improve their
life
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 quality, it’s
also
Linking Words
 can help keep social stability.
Although
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
people
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choose
Correct pronoun usage
who choose
show examples
Use synonyms
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
only
Correct pronoun usage
that only
show examples
 focus on
salary
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 will take a variety of disadvantages,
such
Linking Words
 as public service
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job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
,
they
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 often mean voluntary and low income.
However
Linking Words
, it’s important to
community
Correct article usage
the community
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 and society. Meanwhile, if
people
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 only study a major which can give them a good
salary
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, the other profession will
lost
Change the verb form
lose
be lost
show examples
 students, and hinder the development. In a word, I agree
people
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 choose their future career based on the
salary
Use synonyms
 they will learn can take more advantages than disadvantages.

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task response
Consider refining your thesis statement to clearly express your perspective in a more concise manner. For example, you could say, 'In my opinion, while choosing a career based predominantly on salary has some drawbacks, the benefits significantly outweigh these concerns.'
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to the logical flow of your ideas. Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next to create a more cohesive argument.
task response
Provide more specific examples to support your points. Including real-life scenarios or statistics can strengthen your argument and make it more persuasive.
task response
You clearly express your opinion that high-paying jobs can offer more advantages for young people. This clarity helps the reader understand your stance.
task response
You present valid points about motivation and financial stability, which are important considerations for young professionals. This shows a good understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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