IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes relatively large number of young adults, comparedd with the number of the older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the advantages?

“To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield”.
This
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 line helped me not to give up and become dormant
,
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apply
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 when I realized that I didn’t want to be a doctor. Medicine had been the only sphere in which I had envisioned my future self my whole life.
However
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, I didn’t lose my self-consciousness or my willingness to continue developing myself. I spent my childhood days at my mom’s workplace. I always admired her, because she worked as an accountant’s assistant without having a higher education. She used to cite Warren Buffet’s famous words “Accounting is the language of
business
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”. Now, I understand the meaning of these words and decisively want to speak the language of
business
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. In 6th grade, I applied to the Nazarbayev Intellectual School (NIS) ,
one
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 of Kazakhstan's top tech schools, and was admitted through a competitive selection process. I concentrated on strengthening not only
academic
Correct pronoun usage
my academic
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,
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apply
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 but
also
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 my leadership
skills
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 during my time in high school. I recognized that to be successful in the
business
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 world, I needed to have managerial and communication abilities,
as well as
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 the capacity to lead a team and solve problems effectively.
Therefore
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, I joined a charity club and served on the student council as an event organizer. In
charity
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the charity
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 club, I was responsible for the budget and learned how to allocate funds properly.
Also
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, I gained valuable communication
skills
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 and learned to effectively work in a team by organizing a variety of extracurricular and charitable events. By participating in international Model of United Nations conferences, I became a better public speaker and learnt how to collaborate with others and negotiate.
Additionally
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, I improved my awareness of global concerns, learned how to approach complicated challenges, and enhanced my analytical thinking. During my school
years
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years,
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 I focused on my academic performance and extracurricular activities.
Therefore
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, I’m now eager to participate in various
research
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 projects as a student. The University of Bologna’s strong commitment to
research
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 excellence is
one
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 of the key reasons I am drawn to continue my academic journey there. Its extensive
research
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 infrastructure, comprising 50
research
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 facilities across 5 campuses, creates exceptional opportunities for innovation. I am especially looking forward to attending Professor Antonio Giuliani’s classes in Strategic Management. His
research
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 on women’s entrepreneurship in emerging industries deeply resonates with my aspirations. I am looking forward to learning from his expertise and aspire to contribute to similar
research
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 projects, combining strategic thinking with
commitment
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a commitment
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 to empowering underrepresented groups in
business
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.
One
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 of my professional goals is to work at
one
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 of the Big Four firms, to gain valuable hands-on experience in auditing, consulting, and financial management. I believe that working in
such
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 a high-standard environment will allow me to develop strong analytical,
strategic
Correct word choice
and strategic
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skills
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, which are essential for my long-term ambition of contributing to
business
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 innovation and sustainable development. The
Business
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 Economics program provides the essential academic foundation and practical
skills
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 needed to pursue a successful career in
business
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 consulting. I am confident that Rimini will quickly become my second home, as some of its elements resemble my hometown. The beach will undoubtedly become my
favorite
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favourite
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 spot in the city, and I’ll enjoy the view
while
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 having my meringa e frutti rossi
flavored
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flavoured
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 gelato, as it will remind me of my home by the Caspian Sea. I believe that studying at the University of Bologna will open up new paths for both my academic and personal growth. I am eager to challenge myself, expand my knowledge, and contribute to
university’s
Correct article usage
the university’s
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 dynamic environment. Thank you for considering my application.

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coherence and cohesion
Consider adding a more explicit thesis statement in the introduction to clearly outline the main points you'll discuss. This could enhance the reader's understanding of the essay's direction.
task achievement
In the conclusion, while you summarize your main points well, try to reinforce your enthusiasm more strongly to leave a lasting impression.
task achievement
Your essay presents a well-rounded narrative of personal growth, effectively detailing your experiences and aspirations relevant to your chosen field of study.
coherence and cohesion
The transitions between paragraphs are smooth, and your ideas are logically organized, making it easy for the reader to follow your thought process.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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