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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below contains information provided by Australia's tertiary institutions about the percentage of male and female students who enrolled in different subjects in 1995.

The bar chart, which has been provided below, demonstrates details regarding eight different subjects in Australia in 1995 for both female and male
students
Use synonyms
. 
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be observed from the results that, except
institutions
Change preposition
in institutions
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 of computer, math and sciences, accounting and economics, and engineering studies,
females
Use synonyms
 performed greater attendance
to
Change preposition
in
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 other fields than male
students
Use synonyms
.  Looking at the data more closely,
in
Change preposition
apply
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art and humanities class maintained its popularity among
females
Use synonyms
 with approximately 18%,
while
Linking Words
 males had just about 13%.
In addition
Linking Words
 to
this
Linking Words
, in the health course,
females
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 showed more attention than men, with 15% and 4%, respectively. In business studies, both genders had almost the same percentages, nearly 10 to 15%, with a greater number of males in the classes.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, in engineering, the gap between the genders
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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increased, with 18% of male
students
Use synonyms
 and just 2% of
females
Use synonyms
.
Besides
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
,
Linking Words
also
Rephrase
apply
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computing has more male
students
Use synonyms
, with 10% and less than 5% female
students
Use synonyms
 was
prefered
Correct your spelling
preferred
 among the other institutions. In conclusion, it can be pointed out that
while
Linking Words
females
Use synonyms
 attended almost all tertiary courses, males maintained greater performance in
such
Linking Words
 classes than
females
Use synonyms
 in 1995, in Australia.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also, while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words students, females with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "provided" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • tertiary institutions
  • enrolment
  • engineering
  • information technology
  • nursing
  • gender roles
  • societal expectations
  • suitability
  • caregiving roles
  • job market
  • business studies
  • gender distribution
  • gender inclusion policies
  • workplace diversity
  • gender stereotypes
  • historical trends
  • percentages
  • subjects
  • gender imbalance
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