IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Recently, a lot of people have suggested that the government should make sugary beverages and food cost more making them less accessible to people, which could result in fewer health problems.
Although
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 I agree that
this
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 can be beneficial, it still comes with some drawbacks.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, sugary food and beverages nowadays are available anywhere and they are often easy to access,
hence
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, making them more expensive can easily decrease the number of people purchasing them.
This
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 concept was once implemented in the intake of alcohol and tobacco resulting in a decline in their use.
Additionally
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,
this
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 can result in fewer health problems
such
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 as diabetes, obesity
as well as
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 various heart issues.
Moreover
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, It has been reported that more than 40% of diabetics attribute their illness to the consumption of unhealthy foods high in sugar.
Body paragraph 2
Despite the numerous merits that can come
along with
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 increasing the cost of sugary foodstuffs, some disadvantages should not be neglected.
For example
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, a lot of low-income families depend on cheap processed food. If the government decides to raise the prices,
this
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 can have a direct negative effect on
such
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 individuals. In
such
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 a case, healthy alternatives should be available at a reasonable price as well, encouraging a better lifestyle for everyone.
Conclusion
In a nutshell, increasing prices can account for many advantages and can help lead a healthier society by encouraging healthy eating.
However
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, to ensure
this
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 policy is fair and effective, it should be paired with affordable access to healthy alternatives, particularly for lower-income households

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Task Achievement
Consider providing more specific examples or data to strengthen your arguments. For instance, you could discuss the effects of sugar taxes in specific countries beyond general implications.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure to maintain consistent verb tenses throughout your essay. For example, 'It has been reported' could be simplified to 'Reports indicate' to make the statement clearer and more direct.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to enhance the linkage between your ideas by using more varied transitional phrases. This will improve the flow of your argument.
Task Achievement
The essay presents a balanced view by acknowledging both sides of the argument, which demonstrates critical thinking.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with distinct paragraphs, each focused on a specific point, enhancing readability and organization.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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