IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays, some celebrities such as film stars, sportsmen and pop musicians are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Write your opinion. Celebrities should be highly paid.

It is commonly believed by some
people
Use synonyms
 that celebrities should have high remuneration. I agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement
up
Change preposition
apply
show examples
to
high
Correct article usage
a high
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 extent because there are some other skilled jobs which require high wages
such
Linking Words
 as doctors,
scientists
Correct word choice
and scientists
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. One prominent reason why hefty amount of money should be paid to stars is that they entertain and inspire
people
Use synonyms
 as it is generally seen that some actors,
athletes
Correct word choice
and athletes
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 are the role models of young
people
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 which they have to invest a lot in maintaining their physical appearance so that children can follow them and it affects individuals in a positive manner.
As a result
Linking Words
, young
people
Use synonyms
 are influenced to achieve
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 goals. Another reason to consider that they have paid high salaries is that they have to sacrifice their personal life completely and they cannot enjoy their life as normal
people
Use synonyms
 do because they are always followed by photographers and reporters.
Moreover
Linking Words
, their children always need security.
Last
Linking Words
 but not least, they have short career
span
Fix the agreement mistake
spans
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. They start their career
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
age
Add an article
the age
an age
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 of 19-20 and retire
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 33-35 age and often they have to struggle.
Consequently
Linking Words
, they should be paid sufficient wages. I believe that there are various important sectors
such
Linking Words
 as doctors, scientists,
Navy
Correct article usage
the Navy
show examples
 and
army
Correct article usage
the army
show examples
 which serve
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
country and require reasonable income because they sacrifice their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 for the protection of a nation.
As a result
Linking Words
, these sectors
also
Linking Words
 require high payment.
To conclude
Linking Words
, celebrities have required high salaries but other important sectors cannot be denied especially
Navy
Correct article usage
the Navy
show examples
,
army
Correct article usage
the army
show examples
, doctors and so on.

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task achievement
Consider expanding on your arguments with more detailed examples and explanations. This will enhance the clarity of your ideas and strengthen your overall argument.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your ideas flow smoothly from one to the next, and use linking words effectively to connect sentences and paragraphs. This can improve the logical structure of your essay.
task achievement
You have a clear stance on the topic and effectively communicate your opinion on the remuneration of celebrities.
task achievement
You include valid reasons to support your views, highlighting the challenges celebrities face in their careers.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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