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Writing Samples
Band 6

The diagram below shows the manufacturing process for making sugar from sugarcane. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The diagram below shows the manufacturing process for making sugar from sugarcane. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The diagram
describe
Change the verb form
describes
show examples
 the process of producing
sugar
Use synonyms
 from
sugar
Use synonyms
 cane. There are 7 stages in total,
begin
Wrong verb form
beginning
show examples
 with growing the
sugar
Use synonyms
 cane and ending with drying and cooling the final product.
Overall
Linking Words
, the process is linear and involves both human and machine work. It
start
Change the verb form
starts
show examples
 from farming and finishes with final
sugar
Use synonyms
 which is ready to use. Crushing, filtering, heating and separation are the main steps in the middle of the process.
First,
Linking Words
sugar
Use synonyms
 cane is grown and it takes about 12 to 18 months. After that, it is harvested either manually by workers or by machines.
Then
Linking Words
, the
sugar
Use synonyms
 canes are crushed to get juice from them.
This
Linking Words
 juice
go
Change the verb form
goes
show examples
 through a limestone filter to remove impurities.
Next,
Linking Words
the cleaned juice is heated in
evaporator
Correct article usage
an evaporator
show examples
 where it
become
Change the verb form
becomes
show examples
 syrup. The syrup is
then
Linking Words
 placed in a centrifuge machine to separate the
sugar
Use synonyms
 crystal from the liquid.
Finally
Linking Words
, the
sugar
Use synonyms
 is dried and cooled to produce the finished product.

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words sugar with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 3 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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