IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Research shows that some activities are good for health and others are bad.Despite knowing that millions of people engage in unhealthy activites. What is the cause of this? What can be done?

There are lots of studies showing different activities that are
benifical
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 and adverse for our
well being
Add a hyphen
well-being
show examples
,
However
Linking Words
 even after being aware of
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 lots of
people
Use synonyms
 indulge in things that are unhealthy. In the following
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I'll discuss the main reasons behind it and how we can refrain
people
Use synonyms
 from doing that. One of the main reasons behind
this
Linking Words
sinario
Correct your spelling
scenario
 is that
people
Use synonyms
 are getting more and more addicted to
substances
Use synonyms
 that are not good for
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 health.
thus
Linking Words
 even after knowing the adverse effects
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these
people
Use synonyms
 are not able to stop themselves from using it. Addictions
such
Linking Words
 as smoking, alcohol and
drugs
Use synonyms
 are the biggest
challanges
Correct your spelling
challenges
 in
todays
Change noun form
today's
show examples
 times, resulting in more and more population getting
affacted
Correct your spelling
affected
 by it.
For
Linking Words
instance
Add a comma
instance,
show examples
 major cities like
pedephilia
Correct your spelling
paedophilia
 in The US
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 coping
up
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apply
show examples
with
this
Linking Words
 issue where many citizens are seen
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
addticted
Correct your spelling
addicted
 to
drugs
Use synonyms
.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 with the help of
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 and
involvement
Correct article usage
the involvement
show examples
 of
NGOs
Add a comma
NGOs,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 issue can be solved.
Use synonyms
Government
Correct article usage
The government
show examples
 should first ban all the hard
drugs
Use synonyms
 used for any recreational
activites
Correct your spelling
activities
activity
.
Use synonyms
Government
Correct article usage
The government
show examples
 with the help of NGOs can create different rehabilitation programmes for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
those
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
who are addicted to any of these
substances
Use synonyms
.
Government
Use synonyms
 can discourage the use of these
substances
Use synonyms
 by increasing the taxes on these things. In conclusion,
main
Add an article
the main
show examples
 reason
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
indulging
Wrong verb form
indulge
show examples
 in
activites
Correct your spelling
activities
 that are not good for
health
Correct pronoun usage
their health
show examples
 is because of the addiction
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
substances
Use synonyms
 like alcohol,
drugs
Use synonyms
, smoking etc,
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 can be curtailed with the help of NGOs in coordination with
Use synonyms
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
.

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language
Ensure accurate spelling and grammar. For example, 'benifical' should be 'beneficial', 'sinario' should be 'scenario', and 'addticted' should be 'addicted'.
content
Make sure to present more relevant examples to strengthen your points. The mention of 'pedephilia' seems to be an error or unrelated. A more fitting example would illustrate your argument better.
development
Consider elaborating more on the solutions section. Discuss some specific rehabilitation programs or government initiatives that have been successful in other countries as part of your argument.
structure
The essay presents a clear introduction and identifies the issue and proposed solutions.
content
You have clearly outlined the main reasons behind unhealthy activities, showing a good understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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