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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below gives information about the percentage of the population in four Asian countries living in cities from 1970 to 2020, with predictions for 2030 and 2040.

The graph below gives information about the percentage of the population in four Asian countries living in cities from 1970 to 2020, with predictions for 2030 and 2040.
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This
Linking Words
 line graph Illustrates
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
information about the percentages of the population in four Asian countries namely
Philippines
Correct article usage
the Philippines
show examples
,
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 ,Thailand and Indonesia from 1970 to 2040. The vertical axis shows the percentages of
total
Correct article usage
the total
show examples
populations
Fix the agreement mistake
population
show examples
while
Linking Words
 the horizontal axis shows the year
overall
Linking Words
 urban population in all four countries show an upward rise throughout the period.
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 had the highest rate of urbanization
while
Linking Words
 Thailand
shows
Wrong verb form
showed
show examples
 the lowest rate of urbanization. In 1970 both
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 and
Philippines
Correct article usage
the Philippines
show examples
 started from 30% and
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 had risen up to 75% in 2020 and
predicted
Add a missing verb
is predicted
show examples
 to rise
further
Linking Words
 up to 85%by 2040. Thailand started with a low percentage around 18% in 1970 and its growth remained slow until 2010. even though
Philippines
Correct article usage
the Philippines
show examples
 had risen up to 50% in 1990 it had a gradual decrease up to 2010 and again with a steady increase up to around 58% in 2040.
Although
Linking Words
 the starting percentage of Indonesia is around 12% it has steadily risen until 2040 without going down.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words malaysia with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "rise" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 3 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • graph
  • percentage
  • population
  • Asian countries
  • living in cities
  • 1970
  • 2020
  • predictions
  • 2030
  • 2040
  • introduction
  • overview
  • trend
  • body paragraph
  • compare
  • predicted percentages
  • summarize
  • closing statement
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