IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Is this a positive or negative devlopment?

Younger older people nowadays can not be separated from their
smartphones
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 because of the improvements in technology.
This
Linking Words
 situation can lead to many cases or even problems. In my personal
views
Fix the agreement mistake
view
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, the daily use of
smartphones
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 by
children
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 is a negative development.
To begin
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 with, overusing
smartphones
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 can bring health issues to
children
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. The rays of the phone screen light can cause eye irritation, and if the
situation
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situation is
situation was
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 still uncontrolled for a long period of time, the
children
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 can face a big problem with their eyesight.
thus
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, they will fail some examinations for their future education or job.
Furthermore
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, cutting-edge technology
such
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 as
smartphones
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 is not suitable for every
groups
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group
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 of
age
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 group. Young-adult people's
age
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 should be the fittest range for using it
,
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apply
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 because they know what they want to do with their
smartphones
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.
For example
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, a student who lives far away from family for university reasons can use
the
Correct article usage
a
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 smartphone to assist their educational life. They can do the assignment from the lecturer, keep in touch with their families, and they can make social media content to inspire other students.
In addition
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,
children
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 still have no conscious or even sense of choosing beneficial content for themselves, and they are easily distracted when studying.
To sum up
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, the daily use of
smartphones
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 in younger
age
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 groups has disadvantages
such
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 as health issues and low
of
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apply
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concentration in the study process. Bear in mind,
children
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 are at the golden
age
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 of development, the parents and teachers should take care of them and pay a lot of attention to them.

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Task Achievement
Make sure to clarify your main ideas and ensure they are distinct. You can strengthen your argument by linking your ideas back to the thesis statement more clearly. For example, explicitly state how each point contributes to your overall view on smartphone use.
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve the overall flow of the essay by incorporating clearer transitions between paragraphs and ideas. This will help the reader follow your argument more easily. For example, use phrases such as 'In addition' or 'Moreover' more effectively.
Task Achievement
You provided a clear opinion on the topic and structured your essay with distinct points, which is great for addressing the task.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion effectively summarize your argument, which enhances the cohesiveness of the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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