IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

People today are surrounded by advertising. Do you think the positive effects of advertising outweigh the negative effects?

A widely heated debate regarding whether the merits of widespread
advertisements
Use synonyms
 outweigh the demerits has received accumulating attention from the public. As for my perspective, I am convinced that it brings more negative impact rather than benefits, and the reasons will be elaborated on thoroughly as follows. An array of factors may lead to why people obtain certain pros of omnipresent advertising.
To begin
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 with, advertisement helps businesses grow by informing consumers about
latest
Correct article usage
the latest
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 products and
service
Fix the agreement mistake
services
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. Companies can be more competitive,
results
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resulting
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 in
the
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apply
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higher quality and lower prices.
Moreover
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,
advertisements
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 can raise awareness about important social issues,
such
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 as health campaigns against smoking and protecting
environment
Add an article
the environment
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. These types of ads contribute positively
on
Change preposition
to
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 human behaviors and decision-making.
On
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In
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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contrast, as far as I am concerned, the drawbacks of widespread advertisement significantly overwhelm the positive impact.
Firstly
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, individuals might
to spending
Wrong verb form
spend
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 more
unnecessary
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on unnecessary
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 items because attractive
advertisements
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 were designed.
This
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 can lead to consumerism, where people
buying
Wrong verb form
buy
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 some goods they do not need,
result
Wrong verb form
resulting
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 in financial pressure.
According to
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the
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a
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 study from National Taiwan University, more than 67%
citizens
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of citizens
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 confessed that they had
experience
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experienced
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on
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apply
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impulsive shopping after accessing related
advertisements
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.
Secondly
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, advertising
also
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 targets certain groups
are
Correct pronoun usage
that are
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 not mature enough,
such
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 as children, influencing them to purchase junk
food
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 or violent toys which are unhealthy to their mental and physical health. Take my cousin as an example. He is a ten-year-old boy who was hooked by the fast
food
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advertisements
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 on the internet, he got
obesity
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obese
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 eventually
due to
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absorbed
Wrong verb form
absorbing
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 junk
food
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 once a week. In conclusion, based on the aforementioned, I believe omnipresent advertisement contributes more negative effects rather than benefits since it
lead
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leads
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 to impulsive shopping and financial pressure,
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also
Correct word choice
and also
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 influences teenagers to
buying
Change the verb form
buy
show examples
 fast
food
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 and
playing
Wrong verb form
play
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 violent online games.

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task achievement
Your introduction outlines your opinion clearly, which is great. However, it would be beneficial to briefly mention the main points you will discuss in the essay to give the reader a clearer preview.
coherence and cohesion
In the body paragraphs, try to maintain a clearer connection between your ideas. For instance, when transitioning from the positive to negative effects, you might use linking phrases such as 'on the other hand' to help guide the reader.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences could be more concise. For example, 'This can lead to consumerism, where people buying some goods they do not need, result in financial pressure' could be revised to 'This can lead to consumerism, causing individuals to buy unnecessary goods and experience financial pressure.'
task achievement
You provide relevant examples, such as the National Taiwan University study, which adds credibility to your argument about the negative effects of advertising.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, assisting in the overall clarity of your argument.
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