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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The pie charts below show the number of native speakers of different languages in Canada in 1996,2006 and 2016. Summatise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisions where relevant.

The pie charts below show the number of native speakers of different languages in Canada in 1996,2006 and 2016. Summatise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisions where relevant.
the pie charts illustrate the proportion of native speakers of 4 different
languages
Use synonyms
 in Canada in 1980 and 1990
Overall
Linking Words
,
English
Use synonyms
 had the highest percentage in both years,
while
Linking Words
 Udru consistently ranked second.
English
Use synonyms
 had a large proportion in 1980,
on the other
Linking Words
hand
Add the comma(s)
hand,
show examples
 Urdu was ranked second with a small minority.
However
Linking Words
, in 1990 the
students
Correct quantifier usage
number of students
show examples
 who speak
English
Use synonyms
 decreased to 55%. and Urdu jumped to 28%. Despite the drop,
English
Use synonyms
 remained the dominant language in 1990. In 1980
Chinese
Use synonyms
 and other
languages
Use synonyms
 had almost the same percentage.
Chinese
Use synonyms
 with 9% which
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 it the third speaking language. And others had 6%.
Linking Words
Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
show examples
 in
1990
Add a comma
1990,
show examples
 there
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 more
Chinese
Use synonyms
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 signed up for college which made
steady
Add an article
a steady
show examples
 increase to 11% and other
languages
Use synonyms
 remained stable throughout the period.
Chinese
Use synonyms
 are still taking the third-ranking language at Bakersfield
college
Capitalize word
College
show examples
 in 1990.
Overall
Linking Words
, all
languages
Use synonyms
 show a slight shift in the proportions over the decade

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "overall".
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 67%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words languages, english, chinese with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "remained" was used 2 times.
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