IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people say that self employment is better than a job in a country or an institution. Discuss both modes of work and give your opinion.

There is no denying the fact that employment is a significant method to raise our financial situation.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that some
people
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 think that self-employment is preferable
instead
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 of hiring a specific
job
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, there is
also
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 an argument that working for a company is more secure and instant income.
This
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 essay will analyse
this
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 topic from both points of view and express my opinion. On the one hand, independent
work
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 is the best way to commit your life to it.
In other words
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, some humans prefer to
work
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 for their self and make money alone without partner or team.
In addition
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, they are enjoying to
work
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 alone and collecting all their profits alone and come the at office no specific time or place.
For example
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, there is an institution that says that "All wealthy
people
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 depend on solo
work
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 like stocks and real estate because of acquisition on all profits".
On the other hand
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, working at a specific
job
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 is really safe and guarantees a retirement pension for a whole life. It is
also
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 possible to say that plenty of jobs provide us
medical
Change preposition
with medical
show examples
 insurance and allowances ,so some individuals want these features.
Moreover
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, recently with the high cost of living, a lot of
people
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 tend to get a
job
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 and guarantee their medical costs ,even some companies afford medical insurance for parents and kids.
For instance
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, government jobs guarantee all employees safe and secure contracts ,like if you don't
work
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 much , you will not be fired in the future
as well as
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 they are for all citizen
people
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. In conclusion, there are no easy answers to
this
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 question. On balance,
however
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, I tend to believe that self-employment is common in our generation , but from my perspective, it is a risky way to do it because perhaps in a day you will lose all your money and effort,so I prefer to get a
job
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 to secure my future.

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coherence and cohesion
Consider providing clearer topic sentences for each paragraph to enhance the organization of ideas.
task achievement
Try to give more specific examples or personal experiences to support your points, as this may strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Work on grammar and phrasing for smoother reading. Some sentences could be rephrased for clarity.
task achievement
You presented both sides of the argument well, showing awareness of different perspectives.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame your discussion.
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