IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Many
children
Use synonyms
 use their
smarphones
Correct your spelling
smartphones
, spending most of their
time
Use synonyms
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 happens because
parents
Use synonyms
 do not control the usage of gadgets
to
Change preposition
by
show examples
 their
children
Use synonyms
, thinking that they are too busy with their
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
.
As a result
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 could be less productive and addicted to smartphones, which are harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 their growth. Since
parents
Use synonyms
 do not take their roles to accompany their
children
Use synonyms
's activities,
children
Use synonyms
 are more likely to spend most of their
time
Use synonyms
to surf
Change the verb form
surfing
show examples
 the internet.
For example
Linking Words
, sometimes
parents
Use synonyms
, who are devoting their
time
Use synonyms
 and energy to earn money, do not think that their
children
Use synonyms
 need their love and companion.
As a consequence
Linking Words
, they are trying to give their
children
Use synonyms
 cutting-edge devices,
such
Linking Words
 as
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
, as a
copying
Correct your spelling
coping
show examples
 mechanism for them
on taking
Change preposition
to take
show examples
 care of their
children
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, they do not think that
childen
Correct your spelling
children
 love to waste their
time
Use synonyms
to play
Change the verb form
playing
show examples
 mobile games or to
wacth
Correct your spelling
watch
video
Fix the agreement mistake
videos
show examples
 that they find appealing.
Use synonyms
Children
Change noun form
Children's
show examples
 activities on playing
their
Change preposition
with their
show examples
 mobile phones bring more negative ramifications by making them less productive and becoming addicted to it.
Children
Use synonyms
 spend their whole day
to watch
Change the verb form
watching
show examples
 their
screen
Fix the agreement mistake
screens
show examples
 and
to lay
Wrong verb form
lying
show examples
 on their
bed
Fix the agreement mistake
beds
show examples
.
In contrast
Linking Words
, if they had
leave
Wrong verb form
left
show examples
 their phone and
try
Wrong verb form
tried
show examples
 to explore the outside world by
go
Change the verb form
going
show examples
 to
museum
Add an article
the museum
a museum
show examples
 with family, they could have been more clever and socialized with people.
Moreover
Linking Words
, if they were addicted to the gadget, they might have
anti-social
Correct article usage
an anti-social
show examples
 life. It is harmful because they might not know how to control their emotions
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 if they did not have their phones. In conclusion,
parents
Use synonyms
 should be responsible and take their role as a teacher and
friend
Fix the agreement mistake
friends
show examples
 for their
children
Use synonyms
, despite letting their
children
Use synonyms
spending
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 too much
time
Use synonyms
 on smartphones. By controlling the usage of the gadget,
children
Use synonyms
 could avoid being less productive and addicted to mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
.

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coherence and cohesion
Your essay can benefit from clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader through your main points. It would improve the flow and logic of your argument.
task achievement
Try to elaborate more on your points or provide additional examples to strengthen your argument and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
language accuracy
Take care with spelling and grammar; proofreading can help catch errors such as 'childen' instead of 'children' or 'wacth' instead of 'watch'. These small errors can detract from the overall professionalism of your essay.
content
You raised important points about the role of parents and the negative impact of excessive smartphone use on children, which shows your understanding of the issue at hand.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion successfully reiterates your main argument and calls for parental responsibility, leaving the reader with a clear takeaway message.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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