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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say that children should obey the rules of their parents and teachers, while others argue that children will not be well-prepared for their adult life if they are given too much control. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

In contemporary society, whether
children
Use synonyms
 should strictly follow rules set by parents and teachers has sparked considerable debate. Some argue that comprehensive regulations are necessary to safeguard
children
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 from harm,
while
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 others contend that excessive control hinders their ability to become independent, particularly in adulthood. In my opinion,
while
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 reasonable guidance is essential during the early years, overregulation can limit a child’s personal and professional development. Proponents argue that without appropriate boundaries,
children
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 may face avoidable dangers. Young
children
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 lack the maturity to assess risks, so parental guidance—
such
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 as restricting access to dangerous areas—can prevent physical harm.
For instance
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, if a child is allowed to go outside unsupervised might encounter traffic accidents or
criminal
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criminals
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.
Similarly
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, without supervision,
children
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 may be influenced by harmful online content
in
Change preposition
on
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 social media,
may
Correct pronoun usage
which may
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leading
Change the verb form
lead
be leading
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 to committing crimes. And especially at school, clear and holistic regulations here help instil societal values,
such
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 as honesty
and
Correct word choice
apply
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responsibility, and respect for social norms. Without
such
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 structures,
children
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 may struggle to distinguish right from wrong, potentially leading to delinquent
behaviors
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behaviours
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.
However
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, opponents highlight significant drawbacks of excessive control. Overregulation limits creativity, as over control
manipulate
Correct subject-verb agreement
manipulates
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 what
children
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 should or should not do, leaving little space for exploration. Creativity develops in environments where
children
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 can think independently.
Furthermore
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, excessive reliance on rules weakens critical thinking and problem-solving skills.
Children
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 accustomed to constant guidance tend to depend on adults rather than developing their own solutions.
For example
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, a child who always receives step-by-step instructions may struggle in university or the workplace, where autonomy and initiative are essential. In conclusion,
while
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 parental and academic guidelines play a vital role in protecting
children
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, fostering independence is equally crucial. Striking a balance—providing assistance
while
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 encouraging self-reliance—ensures
children
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 are both safe and prepared for adulthood.

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Task Achievement
Consider expanding on your ideas with more specific examples. For instance, provide additional real-life scenarios or studies to strengthen your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on connecting your ideas more smoothly. Using transitional phrases could help improve the flow between different points.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that all sentences are clear and grammatically correct to enhance readability.
Task Achievement
Your essay presents a balanced view of both sides of the argument, which is commendable.
Coherence and Cohesion
The structure of your essay is logical, with a clear introduction and conclusion that encapsulates your points well.
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