IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing peple of different cultures and ages together To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion ?

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Needless to say,
music
Use synonyms
 is one of the primary ways to connect
people
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 of different countries and various age individuals. I completely agree with
this
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 tendency. It is evident that each
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people
Fix the agreement mistake
person
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 has own traditional
music
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 and they use
this
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 type of
music
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 in some events and festivals.
That is
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 to say, other
people
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 can know each of them because of their own
music
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, even though
those
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 do not understand their language.
Moreover
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,
people
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 can easily access information about other
nations
Change noun form
nations'
nation's
show examples
music
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 and customs with the help of technology. They listen to them and can
empathy
Replace the word
empathise
show examples
 with each other.
For example
Linking Words
, in some festivals, other nations come up together
such
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 as Carnival
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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celebrated in Brazil. Another aspect of that opinion is that
music
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 is a method to combine distinct ages. It is obvious that
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
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 of all ages can like the same types of
music
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. Concerts are the most considerable example for that matter. Any musician or
groups
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group
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 may have
funs
Correct your spelling
fans
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 who are
in
Change preposition
of
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 different ages, their
music
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 tastes are the same, so they are together.
For instance
Linking Words
,
BTS-the
Correct your spelling
the
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 most popular musician group in the world- have listeners who are various years old, some of them are
adolescent
Fix the agreement mistake
adolescents
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while
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 others are old
people
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 even over 60 years old. In conclusion,
that is
Linking Words
 hard to
refuse
Verb problem
deny
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 that
music
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 is one of the most valid options to bring different cultures and
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
 together. I advocate that tendency and absolutely agree with it.

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task achievement
Try to provide clearer main points in each paragraph to ensure each one contributes effectively to the argument.
coherence cohesion
Use linking words and phrases to improve the flow between sentences and make connections between ideas clearer.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to grammatical accuracy, as small errors can distract from the overall message.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear opinion on the topic, successfully conveying agreement with the statement.
task achievement
Examples from festivals and specific artists effectively illustrate the points made in the essay.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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