IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that wild animals should not be keptin zoo. Others believe thatthere are good reasons for having. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

There is an ongoing debate that, the wild
animals
Use synonyms
 should be in cages or not. Few individuals believe that undomesticated beasts should not be kept in zoos.
However
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, others argue that there are good reasons for having them in the park reserve.
Therefore
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, ahead of my opinion, both views will be discussed
further
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.
To begin
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 with, Every species in the world has its own space where they live so do wild
animals
Use synonyms
 have a forest where they live and eat. In the former notion, to explain, keeping the wildlife in a closed area will lose their natural way of living
such
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 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the atmosphere and the temperature they can not adapt
also
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,
the
Correct word choice
and the
show examples
 freedom they have in the forest they will not get into the
zoo
Use synonyms
.
Hence
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, it will affect their mental
as well as
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 physical health and they will lose their ability to hunt in the jungle.
On the other hand
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, those in favour of the latter opinion have their own arguments, they believe that keeping them in a
zoo
Use synonyms
 will help them to not get illegal hunting.
Also
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, they will be in good care of the
zoo
Use synonyms
 authority.
For instance
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, the masses who want to do research on a
rear
Correct word choice
rare
show examples
 species can see that in the
zoo
Use synonyms
 and most of the zoos are providing good information regarding them.
Thus
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, it is beneficial for the human
as well as
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 for
animals
Use synonyms
.
To conclude
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, and offer my position, there are convincing arguments that, giving freedom to wild
animals
Use synonyms
 has their rights.
However
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, taking care of them in a special area
such
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 as a
zoo
Use synonyms
 is
also
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 important

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coherence and cohesion
Improve the logical flow of your essay by using clearer transition phrases to guide the reader. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph presents one clear idea supported by a concise topic sentence.
task achievement
In your introduction, clarify your stance more explicitly to give the reader a better understanding of your opinion from the outset.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your arguments, which would enhance the persuasiveness of your points regarding both sides of the debate.
task achievement
You have successfully identified and discussed both sides of the argument, which shows an understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay presents a clear conclusion that reiterates your opinion and summarizes the discussion effectively.
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