IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Crime rates, in most countries, is often higher in urban areas than in rural areas. Why do you think that is? What can be done to reduce the crime rate? (Ulvi)

In most countries, the
level
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 of
crime
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 is higher in cities than in villages.
This
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 essay will explore the causes of
this
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 issue,
such
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 as the high
level
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 of poverty and the lack of education and will find ways, like providing highly-educated tutors and opening new workplaces to combat
this
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 problem. First of all, in rural areas, residents cannot find jobs and they turn to offending. To be more specific, sometimes it is hard to meet family needs,
as a result
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, some individuals think that there is only one way to cover daily needs; to commit
crime
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.
For instance
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, in Venezuela, the rate of offence is higher than in other countries, and it is considered that the majority of convicts come from villages
due to
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 poverty. Another cause of the high rate of
crime
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 in rural places is the lack of education.
In other words
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, children in these areas do not study well, after becoming adults, they cannot find work and which results in committing an offence. There are different methods to overcome
this
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 problem. The solution is for the government to provide a high
level
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 of education. They can modernize schools, increase the number of educated teachers, and do some activities to attract students to the schools. At the same time, they should drop the
level
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 of unemployment by opening some factories or other facilities.
Therefore
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, if all these are done, people will not offend and the rate of
crime
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 in rural areas will decrease. In conclusion, taking all the aforementioned points into account, I am convinced that
although
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 in villages, more people commit crimes
due to
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 cover needs and not finding jobs, with the rising literacy
level
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 and workplaces it is possible to tackle
this
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 problem.

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task achievement
Your introduction clearly states the topic and presents the main points you will discuss. However, consider making the thesis statement more direct by explicitly stating the relationship between urban crime and your subsequent solutions.
coherence and cohesion
While your essay has a logical flow, some transitions between ideas can be smoother. For instance, you could use transition words to help the reader follow your argument more easily. Phrases like 'Furthermore' or 'Additionally' could enhance coherence between points.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples, but they could be more specific. Instead of only referencing Venezuela, consider providing statistics or data to strengthen your argument. This will enhance the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas.
content
Your essay tackles a relevant and complex issue, demonstrating awareness of socioeconomic factors influencing crime rates.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of your essay is well-organized, with clear paragraphs that address distinct points related to the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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