IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many people put their personal information online (address, telephone number, and so on) for purposes such as signing up for social networks or online banking. Is this a positive or negative development?

Nowadays, a significant number of individuals rely on various websites to register with a number of their personal details. In my opinion, I strongly disagree with sharing your personal details on online platforms. One serious problem that can arise from
people
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 sharing their personal
information
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 online is that it can lead to risks to the safety of property.
In other words
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, when
people
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 expose a large amount of
information
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 online, it may provide opportunities for lawbreakers.
For example
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, in some regions
such
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 as Myanmar, numerous telecom fraud gangs assemble there aiming to defraud
people
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 of their money, which has caused lots of loss of their property and even had their families broken up.
Therefore
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,
this
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 has become a serious social issue that needs urgent attention and effective solutions to protect ordinary
people
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's interests and well-being. Another issue is that personal
information
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 leakage may cause danger to individuals' personal safety. To be specific, with the rapid development of
information
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 technology,
people
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 are now able to access others' personal
information
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 at a faster pace than before,
so that
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apply
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it
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which
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 has given rise to a concerning issue - online cyberbullying.
For instance
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, many celebrities have been plagued by cyberbullying for a long time, which subjects them to tremendous mental pressure and some of them even choose to commit suicide.
As a result
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, leaking personal
information
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 not only affects
people
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's mental and physical health but
also
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 has an adverse impact on the harmony and stability of society.
To sum up
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, I once again reaffirm my position that disclosing personal
information
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 poses a great potential safety hazard to individuals. The government should strengthen public education and raise
people
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's awareness of
information
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 security.

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task achievement
Expand on your introduction to better outline your arguments and strengthen the thesis statement.
coherence and cohesion
Provide a clearer link between your points and how they relate to the main argument.
task achievement
Include more specific examples or case studies to support your arguments.
task achievement
The essay effectively identifies and elaborates on the potential risks of sharing personal information online, demonstrating good understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your points are relevant and logically ordered, contributing to a clear overall argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • ease of access
  • interconnected
  • communication
  • commerce
  • identity theft
  • privacy invasions
  • digitization
  • fraudulent activities
  • financial losses
  • reliance
  • digital profiles
  • social inequalities
  • cybersecurity measures
  • mitigate
  • digital convenience
  • mental health
  • anxiety
  • stress
  • online validation
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