IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
The
consumption
 of manufactured food and drink
products
 with high levels of
sugar
 is a significant contributor to various
health
 issues
such
 as obesity, diabetes, and heart disease. To address
this
, some suggest that
products
 containing high amounts of
sugar
 should be made more
high - priced
Correct your spelling
high-priced
show examples
 to discourage their
consumption
. I agree with
this
 proposition for several reasons,the main of them being a
long term
Add a hyphen
long-term
show examples
 impact on our
health
.
Firstly
, increasing the cost of sugary
products
 can effectively reduce their
consumption
. Economic principles suggest that when the price of a product rises, demand typically decreases.
Furthermore
,
this
 approach has been successful in other areas of public
health
,
such
 as tobacco control.
For instance
,higher prices for cigarettes have led to reduced smoking rates, particularly among young people and low-income groups who are more price-sensitive.
Similarly
, making sugary foods and drinks more expensive would likely encourage consumers to opt for healthier alternatives.
Moreover
, the
health
 benefits of reducing
sugar
 intake are substantial. Excessive
sugar
consumption
 is directly linked to various chronic diseases, which place a heavy burden on healthcare systems.
Hence
,by discouraging the
consumption
 of sugary
products
 by making them less affordable to the general public , we can expect a decrease in the prevalence of these conditions, leading to improved public
health
 outcomes and reduced healthcare costs in the long run. In conclusion, making sugary
products
 more expensive is a practical and effective strategy to reduce
sugar
consumption
 and improve public
health
.
Therefore
, I agree that increasing the price of sugary
products
 is a necessary step towards a healthier society.
Submitted by nejla.abdullayeva on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay presents a clear response to the task, and you have addressed the main points effectively. However, try to provide a wider variety of specific examples to strengthen your argument further. This will help to show a deeper understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay generally follows a logical structure with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, some sentences could be better connected to enhance the flow between ideas. Use more linking words and phrases to improve the coherence of your essay.
task achievement
You have successfully provided a clear and comprehensive response to the task, addressing the issues and supporting your main points well.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs and conclusion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
What to do next:
Look at other essays: