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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays more and more older people who need employment have to compete with younger people for the same jobs. What problems does this cause? What are the solutions? Umar 2

These days more and more aged individuals need to compete with younger people for similar jobs.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss the main cause of
this
Linking Words
 issue,it is happening
due to
Linking Words
 the fault of the government and lack of occupation. The most suitable solution is to introduce an approach
jobs
Change preposition
to jobs
show examples
 for both generations and increase the pension. The primary reason for
this
Linking Words
 problem is not enough job places for both kinds of individuals, which governments can`t propose.
Although
Linking Words
, recently more and more professionals began to be available
work
Fix the infinitive
to work
show examples
 from home, it doesn`t help to reduce the number of jobless people. That connects with insufficient attention given by the government to the growing difficulty of unemployment, and negligence in their actions. There is a classic example, in France in 2015
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
observed a fact by the National Labour of
French
Replace the word
France
show examples
 of unemployment
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 nearly 12-24 months, and their special workers got a huge quantity of money to prevent
this
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 situation.
However
Linking Words
,
due to
Linking Words
 a lack of responsibility and professionalism that money was spent on another problem with staff reduction from another country. Several times after, there was
Correct article usage
an absolutely
show examples
absolutely
Change the word
absolute
show examples
 collapse,
Furthemore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
, recovery from
this
Linking Words
 situation costs a million. A viable solution is to create a new position for every age and raise the amount of retirement
benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
show examples
. Boosting pension payments can partly stop the amount of industry shortage.
Moreover
Linking Words
, makes
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
 happy. The authorities have to
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
attended
Change the verb
attend
show examples
joblessness
Change preposition
to joblessness
show examples
 and try to find ways to do it.
For instance
Linking Words
, in 1999 in China
was
Correct pronoun usage
there was
show examples
 a lack of work,in spite of the large population. China International Employment Services was suggested to anyone interested in
workingwork
Correct your spelling
working
 in villages. There was
significant
Add an article
a significant
show examples
 increase in new workers after 6 months of
this
Linking Words
 statement In conclusion, The main cause of
this
Linking Words
 problem is inaccurate decisions by the governments and job shortages. The most fundamental solution is to create appropriate occupations for any accessible age and grow old age benefits

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task achievement
The introduction could be clearer by explicitly stating the issues and solutions instead of giving a vague overview.
coherence
Try to structure your paragraphs better by focusing on one main idea per paragraph, which will help guide the reader through your argument more effectively.
coherence
Certain phrases and sentences could be rephrased for clarity. For instance, replace 'it is happening due to the fault of the government' with 'it is partly due to government inaction'.
coherence
Make sure to proofread for grammatical mistakes, such as 'the amount of retirement benefit' should be 'the amount of retirement benefits'.
task achievement
Add more specific examples to support your points. For example, citing specific countries or organizations that have successfully implemented solutions would strengthen your argument.
content
The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic and attempts to tackle both the problems and solutions.
support
The use of a relevant example regarding France’s unemployment reflects an engagement with real-world issues.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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