IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some think that it is more important for children to engage in outdoor activities instead of playing vedio games. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Today people think about network development and how changes the rising way about people. In
this
Linking Words
eassy
Correct your spelling
essay
easy
, I will discuss if it is essential for kids to play in outdoor activities rather than playing video
games
Use synonyms
, and give my opinion. Back 30 years ago,
children
Use synonyms
 found a way to happiness when went outside to play with their friends,
nearberhood
Correct your spelling
neighbourhood
, and cousins. There are many things they can do
such
Linking Words
 as,
play
Wrong verb form
playing
show examples
 football ,
basketball
Correct word choice
and basketball
show examples
, and
also
Linking Words
do
Wrong verb form
doing
show examples
competition
Fix the agreement mistake
competitions
show examples
 for running . Kids found these
waysway
Correct your spelling
ways
 to
happy
Add a missing verb
be happy
show examples
 and make
Linking Words
then
Correct your spelling
them
show examples
 improve their social skills. Nowadays, with technological
improvement
Add a comma
improvement,
show examples
 there are now
way
Fix the agreement mistake
ways
show examples
 to give the
children
Use synonyms
 opportunity to do outdoor activities. Video
games
Use synonyms
 becoming so popular
in addition
Linking Words
 to that they have a fair to see people were as will decrease their
socialthier
Correct your spelling
social their
soical
Correct your spelling
social
 network.
thus
Linking Words
 improvement makes families lose control over their
child
Change noun form
child's
show examples
 mental health and brain thinking. I
farmily
Correct your spelling
strongly
 disagree with
this
Linking Words
 new development for many reasons,
Firstly
Linking Words
,
Children
Use synonyms
 who play
games
Use synonyms
 and are in front of the computer screen for many hours will have Myopia and
therefore
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 will use
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
glasses. There is a study in China shows 88 per cent of
children
Use synonyms
 between 7- 15 years old wear glasses.
In contrast
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, back in the 80 century
children
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 of
this
Linking Words
 age did not wear.
Secondly
Linking Words
, video
games
Use synonyms
 and sitting without any
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
 main causes of obesity that will find difficult in future to lose weight.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 today are at risk because
these
Change preposition
of these
show examples
games
Use synonyms
 and must all parents focus on their kids to avoid any negative causes.

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic but could be improved by providing a clearer position and more balanced arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to use appropriate linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your arguments clearly.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples and elaborate on your ideas to strengthen your points.
coherence and cohesion
Check for grammatical and spelling mistakes that affect the clarity of your writing.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your essay well.
task achievement
You managed to provide some relevant examples to support your arguments regarding the negative effects of video games.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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