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Writing Samples
Band 5

The role of education is to prepare children for the modern world. Schools should cut art and music out of the curriculum so that children can focus on useful subjects such as information technology. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this?

In
this
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 cutting-edge world, there is growing pressure on schools to prioritize certain
subjects
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 that are considered practical and job-oriented.
While
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 proponents believe that
art
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 and
music
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subjects
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 play a vital role
for
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in
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a
Correct article usage
the
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 well-rounded growth of students, critics argue that schools should focus on
subjects
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 that benefit
in
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apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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future
for
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apply
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career
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careers
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.
However
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, I firmly disagree with
this
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 idea, as
such
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art
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 and
music
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 are equivalent important
skills
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 to learn for individuals.
This
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 essay will discuss why maintaining a balanced curriculum that includes creative
subjects
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 is essential.
To begin
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 with,
art
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 and
music
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 teach self-expression, creativity, and emotional intelligence -
skills
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 that are crucial not only for personal potential but professional growth as well.
For instance
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, innovation in technology often requires creative brainstorming ideas, which can
be boost
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be boosted
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 through learning
art
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. A child who learns
music
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 may develop better concentration, patience, and ability to collaborate, these
all
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apply
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skills
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 are transferrable into professional fields.
Therefore
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, neglecting
art
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 and
music
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subjects
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 can eliminate
development
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the development
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 of
child's
Correct article usage
a child's
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 growth both, personally and careerwise. what's more, not all students are inclined towards technical
subjects
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such
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 as Information Technology. Some of them boast their excellent
skills
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 through
music
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 and
art
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, in
result
Correct article usage
a result
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 they
persue
Correct your spelling
pursue
 successful
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
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 in
art
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 and
music
Use synonyms
 fields.
Therefore
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, many choose their career fields like design, animation, media, or
music
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 production - which are thriving industries in today's era. A narrow focus on 'useful'
subjects
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 may
therefore
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 limit both personal potential and future economic diversity. In a nutshell,
although
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 Information Technology is essential in
this
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 modern world, eliminating
subjects
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 like
art
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 and
music
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 from school curriculums is not the right approach. These
subjects
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 contribute significantly to
foster
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fostering
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 creativity, emotional intelligence, and the development of diverse talents. Education should aim to nurture a whole child, not just future employees.

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task achievement
Try to better explain how specific examples relate directly to your main points. Make sure there's a clear connection between your arguments and the examples provided to strengthen your position.
coherence and cohesion
Consider breaking down your ideas into more distinct paragraphs that define a single theme or thought. This will improve the flow and make your argument clearer.
task achievement
You present a clear stance against the suggestion of eliminating art and music from the curriculum, which addresses the topic well.
coherence and cohesion
Your use of varied vocabulary and sentence structures helps to keep the reader engaged, demonstrating a good level of language proficiency.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • holistic development
  • cognitive abilities
  • cultural education
  • globally connected world
  • problem-solving skills
  • critical thinking
  • well-rounded education
  • self-expression
  • mental health impacts
  • digital art
  • music production
  • technology-driven careers
  • academic performance
  • intellectual growth
  • emotional development
  • creative subjects
  • enrich creativity
  • foster a sense of achievement
  • stress relief
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